Has anyone seen my will?

Apparently something happened after my first child was born. Most people say it's baby, placenta, brain. I think mine went something like baby, placenta, personality.

I went to a concert with my husband Sunday night despite having a raging head cold... John Butler Trio (which I highly recommend if you get the chance) but all I could think about were negative things. Will the kids be ok? Will they eat? Will Sky throw up again? Will grandma brush their teeth? Will they cough up a lung? Will grandma plug in their humidifiers? Did I clean them out or will I fill their rooms with bacteria? Will this balcony fall? Will I cough up a lung? Will I die if this chicken isn't cooked? Will my keys fall out of my pocket while walking through the city? Will I get fired from my job if I call in sick again tomorrow? Will my marriage fail if I beg him to leave early tonight? Will one of the drunk kids at the concert throw up on me? Will my mom finally move to Massachusetts? Will Jeff's dad recover from cancer and chemo? Will the chiropractor be mad if I change my appointment at the last minute? Will I get out of debt? Will I get sicker if my hands dirty and I need to blow my nose? Will my mother in law ever love me? Will I ever make any friends? Will I get to sleep tonight? Will I ever be able to afford another massage/polarity session? Will I ever get back to yoga? Will the kids have a good Christmas? Will I ever lose weight? Will I ever leave my job?

What the hell happened to me? I don't know this person I've become.

Then it occurred to me.... I went for my first ever polarity treatment last week and within seconds she asked me what was wrong as she was hovering over my solar plexus. I said that I wasn't sure but that it has really been hurting me. She said, have you lost your will? And I just laid there, blinking at her? I needed to process her question. I finally came up with an answer for her today. I don't think I've lost my will, I just reallocated it to the craziness that my life has become. So today I begin a journey of another kind...I will find my will and move forward. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll be living a lifetime of regret.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic
So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy ' cause
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

Desperate times call for desperate measures

So I just made a "girls night out" date with a mom from my kids school. This in of itself is no great feat I know. But it sort of is for me...you see this mom wears Micky Mouse Sweatshirts. I've always fancied myself to be a part of the "in" crowd. Keeping up with the Joneses was my national pastime/obsession. The Aquarius in me always marched to the beat of a different drum mind you, but I had no problem driving fancy cars, wearing fancy jeans and dining at fancy restaurants. All of this has changed for me since moving to Massachusetts. People just aren't as nice and inviting as the rest of us Southern folks. It's been 3 solid years here and I have only connected with one other person...but she moved and is now gone. I also maintain that my friendlessness is not from lack of effort. Sure, I'm busy, 2 kids, hubby, house, full time job, I don't have much time and if I do make time, I want to pee or something equally as pampering....but if someone wanted to be my friend, I would be sure to also fit that in to my day. Which brings me to my own mommy play date. This woman wants to be my friend. I can just tell. She's showed up to any event I've invited her to, sometimes the only person to show up in the case of my art show a few months ago, and the other night, in the middle of the early childhood education pot luck dinner she saw me and lit up like a Christmas tree. She gave me a big hug and said how much she missed seeing me around. (minor point I left out of the story is that our kids were in the same class last year and over the summer but have since been separated.) I have sort of been unconsciencly keeping her at arms length I think because I still battle my shallow demons. But it felt good to have someone seek me out, genuinely care about how I'm doing and where I've been, and sincerely express an interest in getting together and then following up on it. So universe, listen up...I'm no longer too cool for school...I want to be friends with good people who care about me and my family...Micky Mouse sweatshirts notwithstanding. Now, don't get me wrong, I will not be busting out any pumpkin and scarecrow printed turtlenecks to strut around town in...but I will no longer hold it against you if you do.

Same but Different

So I am not totally surprised at the fact that I have once again fallen off the face of the blogging earth. Life has been dealing it's usual crazy hand to me and I've been winning! While I realize that "Global Corporate Recruiter" was not on my prior post's top ten jobs list, I found myself eagerly flying to Charlotte, NC earlier this week to interview. A major bank wants to beef up their Talent Acquisition group. The experience in of itself was amazing, a hotel room, a good dinner at a smoky bar, a relaxing piece of cheesecake in bed while simultaneously watching Something's Gotta Give, The Secret, and The Red Sox...bath's, more room service in the morning, nobody needing anything...the list goes on and on. There is a part of me that doesn't even care if I get the job..,just to have pampered myself for one night was enough to renew and sustain me.

However, I must be sending some pretty hefty vibes out into the universe (yes, some of this is based on me watching The Secret)...because when I arrived back home there was another company waiting in my voicemail that is also looking for a cool mix of recruiting and HR...what gives? I've been spinning in this vortex of "I want to..." insert change, be, become and suddenly all in one week 2 pretty sexy jobs appear out of nowhere. Basically dropped on my lap, beat me over the head and say...see...you can have it all.

So now I wait...hopefully I'll get 2 incredible offers to choose from and I'll be on my merry way.

Back to the interview in Charlotte for just a moment...the great Blogging Critic of the world, my husband...doesn't believe I am funny enough in my posts. Each day he returns home from work to either inform me that I have not written a blog today (duh) or that I am too doom in gloom. "you are funny" he says...so here goes, an attempt to tell a funny story in written words. I fancy myself as more as the Thespian type...I like to act things out to convey the true color of the event...but hubby seems to think I can pull this off. My favorite game is charades. Ok, enough stalling.

So I am in Charlotte right, and I am walking from the hotel to the interview and it's about 8:30 am and already 100% humidity (didn't think about that when I straightened my super curly hair) and probably 89 degrees. I hustle to the interview because I spotted a jewelerly cart on the street and wasted too much time going ga ga over her pieces, anyway...I run into the building where I am met by the biggest, baddest security lady I have ever seen. She tells me to line myself up with her camera so that she can take my picture. I am distracted because we are standing right in front of 4 sets of elevators and the morning robots are trying to get to their desks. People are whizzing by me and I kept turning to check people out. I am also trying to put my ID back in my bag and next thing I know, the bid bad security lady hands me my badge. I said, wait, don't you need to take my picture? She says, I did. I look at my photo and I literally look like I am from a family of praying mantises. My hand is crooked back like my thumb is tied to my wrist, my suit coat is all pulled open, my hair is frizzified and my head is turned gawking at the people on the elevators. Great. So I brush it off, step on to the elevator and proceed to the 3rd floor. There i am met by a set of 2 double glass doors. I'm thinking, come on, is this Fort Knox? Anyway, I forget the instructions I was given....I think it was supposed to wave down the receptionist who will buzz me in...so I start with a friendly, tap tap on the glass. She rolls her eyes at me and the buzzer goes off. I pull the door...my arm almost falls out of it's socket. I'm thinking..pretty tough door...I pull and pull and pull. I look at the door again and realize it says push...I push the door...but I also didn't realize that grumpy receptionist needs to buzz me again...that thrilled her...so she buzzes and I push the door and am met by my next opponent, the second glass door. It occurs to me that is probably a test and part of the interview.... so I start panicking. I push the second glass door...I go flying into it like a bug on a windshield on a summer night....smash! The door does not open. I stop, look a the door, and see that it says "pull." Ahh, such trickery to enter the golden temple of banking. Super pissed receptionist has to buzz me yet again and I enter the promise land. I am sweating bullets my this point. Not only am I 30 seconds behind schedule, but the weather, badge picture, and door test have proved to be worthy advisories. I am nervous about the actual questions and I have 8 people yet to meet. I'm escorted to the conference room where it must be 2000 degrees with blaring over head lighting. I'm thinking that I may faint. A friend, and reason for this interview, pokes his head in to check on me and also notes the volcano like heat. He shared with me that it was hot on his interview here and that he believes the AC is motion activated. Of course...why didn't I think of that?

So I start flapping my arms like a damn crazy chicken, begging the heat gods to have mercy on me. Sweat is forming on my newly waxed lip and I am beyond nervous.

Sure enough though....my friend was right, the AC kicked in, my interviews started sweat free and the rest of the day was great.

So there baby, no more doom and gloom...are you happy? I am.

Totally Distracted

I am back from a wonderful (and illness free-yeah!) vacation. It's been a rough transition back. I had the kids all to myself the week before vacation (to insure my sick free stay) and then the whole week on vacation. I have a sort of kid hangover I suppose. It doesn't help that I am met with "the whole school has been sick" the first day back and that the client I support got bought out....but even still I am having a hard time getting all the synapses to fire. I wish there was a job out there that paid me to decorate, be with the kids, cook for my family and read blogs all day. I really need to try to refocus on the good old career search but my energy has been sucked into the cold and flu anxiety ridden season vortex instead. Ugg, I frustrate myself with this obsessive compulsive thinking. Why can't I obsess over watching reruns of Melrose Place or running or something as equally arbitrary as sickness. I would love to explore all of this in a past life hypnoses...I bet ya something horrific happened to me as a kid...or maybe it's the fact that I have yet to deal with my current life's tragedies. I've looked at six ways to Sunday and just can't seem to figure out why I get so tripped up. Is it the IUD? Is it the shift in hormones after back to back pregnancy and breastfeeding both for well over a year? I could go on for years...

Well anyway, I just started reading Eat, Pray, Love and I'm finding all sorts of passages to highlight. My favorite right now is " I will not harbour negative thoughts" ...that's it! I just came up with my new full time job, "I will not harbour negative thoughts." I wonder how much I'll earn? Seriously though, here is a list of the things I would like to do next-keep in mind that I am an IT recruiter with an English degree and need to pull my weight financially in our family, it's no wonder I am in a conundrum:)

1. Work on a horse farm
2. Be a postpartum Douala
3. Yoga instructor for kids
4. Writer
5. Decorator
6. Own my own errand running business
7. Live music coffee house owner
8. Wine and Cheese shop owner
9. Nursery designer
10. Photographer

Anyone else out there make a huge leap of faith? If so, would love to hear from you! My synapse's need a jump start!

Leading lambs to slaughter

I dropped my little ones off at school this morning only to be met in the class room by another mom holding one child with green thick boogers across her face and another limp in her lap who she mentions has been throwing up all night. I ripped my screaming, crying baby girl from my shirt, kissed her, handed her over promptly to the teacher and walked right out of the room. I took my 3 year old by the hand, led him into his classroom across the street and overheard a conversation his teacher was having with a mom about her kids not coming to school today because of the stomach flu. I kissed him, waved goodbye and walked right out the classroom. I spent the next 3 hours chewing the side of my mouth to grand canyon sized hole proportions, cleaned my house with Lysol from top to bottom, and broke down crying begging God for help. Does this sound like fun to you? What the bleep is wrong with me? Why do I just hear about illness and automatically swing into flight or fight mode? We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday for a week at the beach...I was so excited and eager to leave but now I am struggling to finish a thought. What happened to the strong willed, type A, bull in a china closet that I used to be? Was it baby, placenta, personality during their birth? Why why why? The mind chatter is unnerving and I just wish I could figure it all out. I don't want to be this weeping fool anymore but I can't seem to come up with anything to change it. In an attempt to control what little I can in this situation, I stopped at the natural health store to stock up on probiotics, vitamins and Echnichea. As I pulled into a parking spot, Peter Gabriel's, "Don't Give Up" played on the radio. I absolutely love that song. The words seemed to be speaking directly to me today...I welled up with tears and turned the ignition off despite being only halfway through the song. Plus, who wants to cry in public? I gathered myself and walked into the store only to hear that same freaking song being played! Maybe it's a sign I thought, maybe I do worry too much, maybe everything is going to be alright. But boy, sometimes I feel just like a weeping willow. Like it's all my fault my little babes are exposed to the cesspool of germs before their time. I never went to preschool, how much of an advantage can you gain at 2 and 3 years of age? I am toying with taking them out of school...just using my mother in law and the nanny part time until they go to kindergarten. But then I worry that this is my own craziness talking and not what's right for the kids. I don't know!!!! God, why is this is so hard? Who's bright idea was it to give kids to parents with no manual. I have no idea what I am doing. My gut tells me to take them out of school and quit my job...but this is today's gut. And we can't afford for me to quit work. Plus, ask me when everyone is healthy and happy (and chasing our dogs around incessantly) and I will say that I think school is best. Do I not think school is not best today because there is a threat of illness? Or is my intuition telling me something important and I'm ignoring it? There are times as a mom where I just can't tell where I end and they begin or where I begin and they end. There are times when I feel like I am leading my lambs to slaughter and I'm a vegetarian. It just doesn't make any sense.

When does it end? Or Begin?

Been M.I.A for a while now. Lots of stuff going on in my life and have been trying to keep my head above water. The kids were sick as hell for 15 days straight. Croup that gripped their little lungs and tried it's best to suffocate them. I always freak out when the kids get sick. Like really flip my lid...I'm talking straight jacket material! I can't sleep, I shake non stop, I can't eat or can't stop eating depending on the illness Du jour, I can't focus, I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't bare leave their sides. This particular episode of Croup left them both exhausted, fevery, and on steroids. I have been trying hard to work through my fear of illness for a while now. I really don't know how people deal with REALLY sick kids. My heart just breaks for them. Why doesn't anybody ever tell you this stuff before you get pregnant?? Is this just one of the many parenting dirty little secrets? I originally started this blog to work though my career issues. I thought I would be able to write about a new career idea everyday since my interests are so vast and maybe eventually land my dream job. I've been a recruiter for 11 years with the same company and have worked from home since my oldest was 12 weeks. But this early September illness has scared me into complacency. How could I possible search for a new and exciting life when my kids have already started getting sick...and it's still summer?!! At 3 years and 23 months, maybe they just need their mommy to be happy with what's she's got. I mean I know others would die to work from home,...I make ok money, I don't have to stress about taking days off to be with them...I've got it made right? I guess I wouldn't be so sad all the time if I had someone that supported me through these fears. My husband tries, but he gets frustrated quickly. My mother in law also tries but gives me half shoulder hugs and laughs everything off. My mother just tells me to ship them to her and she'll make it all better. My therapist wants me to explain my irrational fear back to her... and the handful of friends I have either live too far away, or just don't get it..."kids get sick" they say. It's such a double edged sword. On one hand, I have these delusions being able to bounce all of this crap off some like minded co-workers. To have somewhere to go, away from all the sickness. But on the other hand, I feel so lucky to be the one here to wipe away their tears and snot, monitor their fevers with Florance Nightingale style vigor, and administer endless amounts of the pink goop. Why is sacrifice attached to everything in parenting? Something always has the give and there is always something to feel guilty about. I swear, I had no idea..I'm not saying I would have chosen not to have kids...because that wouldn't be true, I've always wanted kids...but maybe I could have beefed up on the serotonin levels or prepared myself somehow for the pain that accompanies the joy. There are times when I just don't feel like I matter any more. I feel totally lost and gone in Mommy land. Does it ever get better? Do you ever get used to the barking coughs, the hot little limbs, the all nighters in a rocking chair? I could just cry thinking about it now...and both kids are blissfully napping without a sniffle in sight. What am I going to do to get through this winter alive..let alone find myself again and have a career that inspires me. Right now I am living for everyone else...will it be my turn again or is that what my 20's were for?

Chipping Away

An absolutely amazing transformation has happened in my life. I am happy. I am truly at peace with everything in my immediate world. Sure, the cancer is still looming over my father in law...the stroke still paralyzing a good friend, my mom is still lost and sad...but I am happy. You won't even believe what the tipping point was for me...I traded in my minivan for a new sleek Jeep Commander V-8 Hemi engine fully loaded gas guzzling TRUCK. I've got my groove back! I did something for myself...I got ready of that sticky, soul selling, label producing, trash collecting house on wheels and in return have a little bit of the old Stef has resurfaced. I've been keeping my new truck pristine clean and it feels really good. Actually it felt so good that I went out and got a smashing new Posh Spice inspired do and have been wearing makeup on a regular basis. Now I am not insinuating that the car I drive is really what propelled me into happiness land. I think that I, for the first time since my children were born, I did something I that I really wanted to do instead of what i thought I was supposed to do. I'm taking care of what's mine materialistically and physically. I've got some pride back and am appreciating the blessings I have more and more each day. I'd even venture to say that I am...gasp...optimistic? I'm amazed at the fact that just small tweaks in life can free you of a burden you didn't realize you were carrying.

This series of events has caused me to look at other areas as well and I feel like I am finally making some mental strides.

This authentic life movement is fabulous. Or is this a quarter life crisis? I'm not totally sure...but I don't really care...I feel good.

Tagged, I'm it!

Tagged by my new buddy Mindy @ The Wish Studio (http://www.thewishstudio.blogspot.com/)

*We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
*Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.*
*People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
*At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1. I am an Amoeba. I see my life as ever changing and I am only comfortable in chaos. I have a hard time just "being" and create my own issues to work out because I am so lost with what I really need to address.
2. I love to be crafty but I'm not very good at one particular thing. I can knit, a little. Crochet, a little. Paint, a little. Bead, a little...etc.
3. Horses make me the happiest person in the world. I would love to be able to make time to ride and wish I could find someone who needed their horse exercised for free.
4. I've had a hard time making friends in Massachusetts. I moved here a few years ago and have made only a few connections. I left Maryland as a super connected, booked solid, socialite of sorts and my self esteem has taken a beating because of it. I am still mourning the loss of Angela who was my BFF here. She moved to Atlanta last month to be closer to her own family and I miss her desperately. In fact, I am not even sure how I will pass this on to 8 people. I only know 4 bloggers.
5. I love teen movies and romantic comedies. Varsity Blues, Corina Corina, Two Weeks Notice, Bring It On, 13 Going on 30 and Freaky Friday just to name a few. (no wonder i have no friends)
6. I know a thing or 2 about music and can do a mean running man. I think I've gained so much weight because I no longer spend my weekends cutting the rug. Oh and maybe the non-stop stress eating but that's for another blog.
7. The only person I can spend non-stop time with is my husband. He might get on my nerves every now and again but I truly can spend every waking moment with him and not get bored. He's hysterical and I thank God that I found the yin to my yang.
8. I have no idea what I want to do with my life professionally and wish someone would just wave a magic wand give me the answer. I'm been searching for a long time now and nothing seems to click and stick. I'm getting tired and discouraged. Surly I am meant to do more than this?

I will tag the incredibly talented Tan!a http://woordnbeeld.blogspot.com/ and my very funny friend PJ
http://brownriggpicturehome.blogspot.com/

The Trickle Effect

This Tuesday I have a second interview at my dream "company." It's small, close to home, eclectic, private, part time and most important an Art School! While maybe not necessarily my dream position, it is one step closer towards the arts and it leverages my prior experience. The job entails working as a coordinator in the admissions group. I've always thought I would make a great admissions councilor. I have my own important memory of being admitted to Western Maryland College and will never forget my counselor, Lisa. I had a 1.8 graduating from high school, never did much outside of cheer leading and flag twirling, was hung up in the wrong crowd with a very wrong boy, and smoked my SAT's with a whopping 880...let's just say there were no ivy league-rs stepping up with scholarship money! My destiny would be determined from one essay and one interview. The essay theme was, "Tell us about a person who inspires you." I talked about my brother and how he had taken a very different road in life. How he'd met an older woman at 18, adopted her child, went into the military, had two more back to back children and barely had enough cash for spaghettio's. He never listened to my parents and insisted on learning everything the hard way. I told Lisa that watching him struggle made it clear to me that I needed to turn my life around. I needed to catch a break, get into college and I would show them that I could be a great student. Somehow my plan worked and I was accepted. It was the happiest day in my life and one of those life defining moments I think we all have. I knew I had been given my second chance and it was up to me to make the most it. It was the first time in my life that I believed in myself despite what numbers on tests proved otherwise. I went on to study deaf education which eventually turned into being an English major, Communications minor. I even made Dean's List-highest honors one semester. I was active the community, was in a great sorority, and truly appreciated every minute of every day in college.

OK, so now that I've given you some background, I can get to my point. To quote Shakespeare...Ay there's the rub....there always has to be one..otherwise this blog would suck.

To accept a part time position, even if I love the people, the school, and the dream could manifest...the position pays a measly $15/hour. 22 hours a week... do the math, it's not a lot of money. I currently make 3 times that and then some.

So, let the trickling begin. If offered the job, do I take it at the risk of financially crippling my family? Take the kids out of school-will they have speech delays and social problems? Will they get sicker in kindergarten because they won't be exposed to all the immune building bugs they tell me are so beneficial now? Will I drive an unsafe car because we can't afford one that is safe? Will we be able to move or will my lack of income kill our borrowing power? Will I hate being with the kids full days a few days a week and become the yelling screaming mom I see on TV? Will my husband resent me for following a dream and placing an enormous burden on him? Or...will my trickle flow upwards...will I enjoy being out of the house a few days a week and maybe make a friend or 12, I might learn a new business and get exposure to a non-profit, higher education and art school all at once. Instead of being stressed 24x7, I'll have a clear path to work, not have the distractions of being at home like I do now, have a job that I won't necessarily have to bring home with me and think about at 3am. No late night interview preps, no tracking down clients for offers, no quarterly reports, no what's your GP and what's your plan, no going into Boston or out to Marlborough. I'll have dedicated days off just for me and the kids....with NO stress of being caught. We'll beach it, park it, library it, go to farmers markets and maybe start and finish craft projects. We'll be able to work our creative minds and the burden of Internet shopping at Hanna Andersson will be alleviated...no keeping up with the Jones' while at home! No germs to obsess about, no meetings/school to rush to and from, no pealing away crying, snotting babies from my chest each morning. No more praying that today someone will make them wash their hands and they won't get the --------- for the 6th time (insert stomach flu, pink eye, strep throat, cold, bronchitis, hand/foot mouth, 5th's etc),No more lying to them saying, you'll have fun today and it will be ok. All of that can wait right? What's another couple of years? And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the chance to make an impact in someones life...hopefully with my own kids and the kids at the school. Is this another 2nd chance?

What would you do?

It's all in how you look at it

Anyone with kids probably watches PBS as much as I do. There is a snippet they play over and over again in between programs that has kids sticking there hands into a big bowl of spaghetti and saying, "I think it's eyeballs." Then the camera flashes to another tot playing "drums" on pots and pans.

Last night I hosted a "failed" art show. Had it not been for 4 of my friends/family that showed up, it would have been a complete bust. However I did learn something and will make these notes to remember.

How not to host an art show 101:

1. Do not try to throw together your art show in a few weeks. It's not enough time, period.
2. Do not market your art show like a yard sale. Goofy neon signs with catchy little sayings is not enough.
3. When you do not receive any RSVP's, do not order food for the people you hope, "surely just forgot to RSVP and will be there in spite of missing said date to RSVP."
4. NEVER use 3M Command stripes to hang your glass framed art in an Africa hot studio-they will fall, they will break.
5. When marketing children's art, don't invite the entire population, they'll just come in, eat your food, complain about your wine choices and leave.
6. When marketing to the correct people, know that choices are good, no inventory is bad.
7. Always have cash available for those who want to pay with it and need change.
8. Bring trash bags.
9. Don't host it on a hot summer night, the week after 7/4 and from 7-9pm. Mom's/dad's with kids are putting kids to bed.
10. Know that buyers who are buying gifts will buy the less expensive art, buyers who are buying for themselves want the expensive stuff.
11. Don't call your mom crying after the show, she'll just worry and you'll break her heart along with yours. It's your mistake to learn from. Don't dump it on her.
12. Do go home and cry to your hubby...especially if he's your best friend too. He'll give you invaluable advice, feed you peach pie, and point out all the things you should keep in perspective...because as he reminded me, it really is "all in how you look at it."

A Life Transitioner

Funny thing happened this weekend while my mom and I were talking. I was telling her that I was thinking about a career as a Life Coach. I have a lot of professional interviewing experience and would love to help people define their career path. In my quest to do something different, I thought this idea du-jour fit nicely.

Some time passed and while driving by the train station, I saw a huge brick warehouse with a for rent sign. It happened to be right next to a halfway house. I pointed the warehouse out to my mom and asked her what she thought I could do with it. She says, "well, if you are a 'Life Transitioner', you would probably do well there." I thought that was pretty funny... she thinks that I belonged in the halfway house because my own life is in such transition. I gave her a pat on the back for a good joke told. No, no, no she says...I meant that you would do well at counseling in that halfway house...you know, as your new job as a "Life Transitioner." Mom, I said, it's a "Life Coach"...and it was funnier when I misunderstood you.

Try again

I've spent the better part of the last 2 weeks running around god's creation trying to sell Lauri's art. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I may need to let this one go. I've tried a few times now and it really just reminds me of recruiting. I believe in his art, but I suppose since it's so subjective and the economy is still so tight, shops aren't buying. Or buying very little...or want to do consignment...none of which I am interested in. $4 split 50/50 isn't helping either. I am spending way more in time, energy and stress then $2 a sale:( Bums me out really because I thought maybe that was the ticket to freedom. I'm officially burnt out on trying to make everyone else rich and happy. I want to sell my own things. Everyday brings a new dream for me. Today it's herbs. I have a gift of a very strong sense of smell. My hubby makes fun of me about sometimes...he says I can smell a fart a mile away! Anyway, I digress as usual. I have had a rip of a headache all morning long. I hate drugs so I went to my garden and plucked some lemonbalm and made a drink...god is this an amazing herb!! It smells like fresh, clean, lemony-love! I could just crush it and smell it all day long. How wonderful would it be if I knew how to make herbal remedies for others. Soaps, candles, drinks/teas, smelly things to hang around the house.

I'm going to have to investigate this further....maybe this is it?

With my own two hands

My husband and I are huge Ben Harper fans..and it occurred to me this morning that his song would make a great title for my business! I love to create things...some being better than others. For instance I made some cute little tote bags last night in my sewing class. I have already gotten a ton of compliments on them and I made them less than 12 hours ago. I get such a great sense of myself through my "art." It gives me self esteem and gives me that unique individual thing that I strive for. It's interesting though...I always wonder if I try to be unique because I think Aquariuns are supposed to be unique or do I really want to be unique? I remember devouring those scroll horoscopes that you can buy at the cash register of any drug store. I thought it held the keys to my monthly path. I think I was in the 5th or 6th grade when I started reading them and took them for Gospel. I probably even made decisions based on that particular days forecast...I wonder if I altered my life because of those choices? I think about stuff like that all the time. If I hadn't dropped my bagel on the floor and hadn't cleaned it up and had to make another one and then got in the car and made it to my destination safely...would the outcome of safe arrival at said destination be any different if I hadn't dropped the bagel? I think I am fairly superstitious like that too. I used to think that if I ripped off x amount of toilet paper sheets then a certain boy would call. If I happened to rip them, well..then...I guess I sealed my fate. Deep.

Anyway, back to my business plan. How great would it be to make a living as an artist and be successful at it? I think that is Nirvana.

This is it

This is it...the first of many steps towards freedom and peace. I've finally connected with the fact that I am not on my life's purpose path. Tongue twister that it is...I get it now. I am not meant to be an IT recruiter. My life mission is not to sell my soul everyday to a job that I hate..and have hated since the beginning. It's the money that's held me here and it's the money that I still don't have enough of...so what's the point? I'm still just as broke, just as unhappy...trying to race around to fill my house/my kids/my body with things I don't want or need...just to have to depend on the job that keeps me caged and miserable.

I am going to change my destiny...I start today.