Leading lambs to slaughter

I dropped my little ones off at school this morning only to be met in the class room by another mom holding one child with green thick boogers across her face and another limp in her lap who she mentions has been throwing up all night. I ripped my screaming, crying baby girl from my shirt, kissed her, handed her over promptly to the teacher and walked right out of the room. I took my 3 year old by the hand, led him into his classroom across the street and overheard a conversation his teacher was having with a mom about her kids not coming to school today because of the stomach flu. I kissed him, waved goodbye and walked right out the classroom. I spent the next 3 hours chewing the side of my mouth to grand canyon sized hole proportions, cleaned my house with Lysol from top to bottom, and broke down crying begging God for help. Does this sound like fun to you? What the bleep is wrong with me? Why do I just hear about illness and automatically swing into flight or fight mode? We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday for a week at the beach...I was so excited and eager to leave but now I am struggling to finish a thought. What happened to the strong willed, type A, bull in a china closet that I used to be? Was it baby, placenta, personality during their birth? Why why why? The mind chatter is unnerving and I just wish I could figure it all out. I don't want to be this weeping fool anymore but I can't seem to come up with anything to change it. In an attempt to control what little I can in this situation, I stopped at the natural health store to stock up on probiotics, vitamins and Echnichea. As I pulled into a parking spot, Peter Gabriel's, "Don't Give Up" played on the radio. I absolutely love that song. The words seemed to be speaking directly to me today...I welled up with tears and turned the ignition off despite being only halfway through the song. Plus, who wants to cry in public? I gathered myself and walked into the store only to hear that same freaking song being played! Maybe it's a sign I thought, maybe I do worry too much, maybe everything is going to be alright. But boy, sometimes I feel just like a weeping willow. Like it's all my fault my little babes are exposed to the cesspool of germs before their time. I never went to preschool, how much of an advantage can you gain at 2 and 3 years of age? I am toying with taking them out of school...just using my mother in law and the nanny part time until they go to kindergarten. But then I worry that this is my own craziness talking and not what's right for the kids. I don't know!!!! God, why is this is so hard? Who's bright idea was it to give kids to parents with no manual. I have no idea what I am doing. My gut tells me to take them out of school and quit my job...but this is today's gut. And we can't afford for me to quit work. Plus, ask me when everyone is healthy and happy (and chasing our dogs around incessantly) and I will say that I think school is best. Do I not think school is not best today because there is a threat of illness? Or is my intuition telling me something important and I'm ignoring it? There are times as a mom where I just can't tell where I end and they begin or where I begin and they end. There are times when I feel like I am leading my lambs to slaughter and I'm a vegetarian. It just doesn't make any sense.