The Real Journey Begins

I HATE IT HERE he screamed this morning. Crash went the dishes in the dishwasher, babies crying, babies coughing, momma crying and tired. Spankings and twisted necks, frustrations boiling over. Sopping soaking mess outside, snow, rain...raw, just raw everywhere. Trying desperately to blink away the tears... I think gather yourself girl....you are out numbered right now. Gather yourself...crying will not help. Save yourself and listen to what's around you....I stop...I listened and this is what I heard.

You (meaning me) are disconnected and enamored with yourself. It's all about you and what others do to you but are you willing to look at what you do to others? Perfect, I think not. Patient, no not that either. Engaging, nope keep looking. Selfless...um, negative. Miserable, yup..check that box. And for what? Because I hate my job? PA LEEZE. ok, so I hate my job...did it ever occur to me to look at the other pieces of the pie that I have? Nope, because I blamed them for not having the job that I want. I end up pushing them away because I don't have the job that I want...but then I stay in this job that I hate... because of them. Interesting. Not very bright. Yes, I've been seeking and searching, learning and connecting, posting and prodding and nothing has moved for me. It finally made sense to me after this morning's debacle. So thank you, my dear husband....probably the one I've neglected the most. He opened my eyes to this game I've been playing and made me realize that I need to refocus. My life is not about my career...it's about what really makes me whole. All I've wanted my entire life is a happy marriage, healthy kids, a house on the water and a cool dog. I have all of that and more...so without judgment and intention I reframe, I refocus, I reenergize, I let go, I apologize...

To my soul mate, I am sorry I've been disconnected. I thought I was hiding my anger and shame so well. I thought that you would make it all better for me and as long as I was bringing in a paycheck and here for our kids...that it would be enough. I thought a clean house and full belly was worth more than a big hug and a smile on my face. Instead I greeted you each night with anger, exhaustion, contempt, worry, and resentment. You never asked for this, you never wanted this, yet somehow I turned you into this. What I saw this morning was the monster I created, I saw myself. I only hope it's not too late...I know you'll forgive me but will you forget?

To my kids, you bring me to my knees with love. My head pounds each day because I cannot find the strength to leave you at night. I think I still sleep with you because it's the only time I can really handle. It's peaceful and cuddly and I know I can keep you safe when you are so still and near. I'm sorry I have been unavailable to you during the day because of work. I know you still love me and think I am a good mommy but I promise it will be better. I know you don't need me at home anymore and I am glad you like spending so much time with Grandma. You are the 2 funniest, kindest, smartest kids I know and I love you more and more each day.

To my mom, I am sorry I've been impatient and judgmental towards you. I've been either your mom or your bratty 3 year old little girl. I'm going to try to be a better daughter and friend. You deserve some happiness and sunshine in your life. I'm looking forward to your arrival!

To my poppy, I am sorry I didn't come to your funeral because I was afraid to fly, breastfeed in public and take time off of work. I am sorry I didn't get to say good bye and tell you how much you meant to me. I look at our picture together everyday and I think about how proud you would be of me and the kids. I know I was the apple of your eye and I just wish I had matured more before you left me. I want you to know that I call Ev "bugs" and tell Sky that "she's my girl" I smile knowing you are in my heart always.

To my mother in law, I am sorry I've been such a jerk to you. I am not sure what my major malfunction is when it comes to you. I guess I am mostly jealous, you get to spend the uninterrupted time I wish I could with my kids, you get to play and laugh and read books with them while I am listening to you from my office. You get to feed them cookies, and cakes, and gummy worms and lay down with them at nap time, and praise them for being so smart, and then you get to leave and not deal with the repercussions of all of that indulgence. You are the hero because they don't know any better. Not that you aren't great, because you are. But they don't know the sacrifices J and I make to provide for them, they don't understand why I have rules and you don't. They just think I am one big no-sugar giving meany. Then you get to burst your chest with pride and tell everyone the things they do before I do...on top of that, you only talk as if daddy is the only one who has anything to do with their brilliance and only instruct them to show daddy their new tricks. I don't like the dog and pony show but I suppose I apologize for being so immature about it. I'll have to address this one in person to truly feel resolved but for now I am sorry. I know you do it out of love for them and not hate of me. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.

My writing time is over. Ev just woke from his nap and I am going to go to spend some time with him. So long for now...I'll write again when I can.