Leading lambs to slaughter

I dropped my little ones off at school this morning only to be met in the class room by another mom holding one child with green thick boogers across her face and another limp in her lap who she mentions has been throwing up all night. I ripped my screaming, crying baby girl from my shirt, kissed her, handed her over promptly to the teacher and walked right out of the room. I took my 3 year old by the hand, led him into his classroom across the street and overheard a conversation his teacher was having with a mom about her kids not coming to school today because of the stomach flu. I kissed him, waved goodbye and walked right out the classroom. I spent the next 3 hours chewing the side of my mouth to grand canyon sized hole proportions, cleaned my house with Lysol from top to bottom, and broke down crying begging God for help. Does this sound like fun to you? What the bleep is wrong with me? Why do I just hear about illness and automatically swing into flight or fight mode? We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday for a week at the beach...I was so excited and eager to leave but now I am struggling to finish a thought. What happened to the strong willed, type A, bull in a china closet that I used to be? Was it baby, placenta, personality during their birth? Why why why? The mind chatter is unnerving and I just wish I could figure it all out. I don't want to be this weeping fool anymore but I can't seem to come up with anything to change it. In an attempt to control what little I can in this situation, I stopped at the natural health store to stock up on probiotics, vitamins and Echnichea. As I pulled into a parking spot, Peter Gabriel's, "Don't Give Up" played on the radio. I absolutely love that song. The words seemed to be speaking directly to me today...I welled up with tears and turned the ignition off despite being only halfway through the song. Plus, who wants to cry in public? I gathered myself and walked into the store only to hear that same freaking song being played! Maybe it's a sign I thought, maybe I do worry too much, maybe everything is going to be alright. But boy, sometimes I feel just like a weeping willow. Like it's all my fault my little babes are exposed to the cesspool of germs before their time. I never went to preschool, how much of an advantage can you gain at 2 and 3 years of age? I am toying with taking them out of school...just using my mother in law and the nanny part time until they go to kindergarten. But then I worry that this is my own craziness talking and not what's right for the kids. I don't know!!!! God, why is this is so hard? Who's bright idea was it to give kids to parents with no manual. I have no idea what I am doing. My gut tells me to take them out of school and quit my job...but this is today's gut. And we can't afford for me to quit work. Plus, ask me when everyone is healthy and happy (and chasing our dogs around incessantly) and I will say that I think school is best. Do I not think school is not best today because there is a threat of illness? Or is my intuition telling me something important and I'm ignoring it? There are times as a mom where I just can't tell where I end and they begin or where I begin and they end. There are times when I feel like I am leading my lambs to slaughter and I'm a vegetarian. It just doesn't make any sense.

When does it end? Or Begin?

Been M.I.A for a while now. Lots of stuff going on in my life and have been trying to keep my head above water. The kids were sick as hell for 15 days straight. Croup that gripped their little lungs and tried it's best to suffocate them. I always freak out when the kids get sick. Like really flip my lid...I'm talking straight jacket material! I can't sleep, I shake non stop, I can't eat or can't stop eating depending on the illness Du jour, I can't focus, I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't bare leave their sides. This particular episode of Croup left them both exhausted, fevery, and on steroids. I have been trying hard to work through my fear of illness for a while now. I really don't know how people deal with REALLY sick kids. My heart just breaks for them. Why doesn't anybody ever tell you this stuff before you get pregnant?? Is this just one of the many parenting dirty little secrets? I originally started this blog to work though my career issues. I thought I would be able to write about a new career idea everyday since my interests are so vast and maybe eventually land my dream job. I've been a recruiter for 11 years with the same company and have worked from home since my oldest was 12 weeks. But this early September illness has scared me into complacency. How could I possible search for a new and exciting life when my kids have already started getting sick...and it's still summer?!! At 3 years and 23 months, maybe they just need their mommy to be happy with what's she's got. I mean I know others would die to work from home,...I make ok money, I don't have to stress about taking days off to be with them...I've got it made right? I guess I wouldn't be so sad all the time if I had someone that supported me through these fears. My husband tries, but he gets frustrated quickly. My mother in law also tries but gives me half shoulder hugs and laughs everything off. My mother just tells me to ship them to her and she'll make it all better. My therapist wants me to explain my irrational fear back to her... and the handful of friends I have either live too far away, or just don't get it..."kids get sick" they say. It's such a double edged sword. On one hand, I have these delusions being able to bounce all of this crap off some like minded co-workers. To have somewhere to go, away from all the sickness. But on the other hand, I feel so lucky to be the one here to wipe away their tears and snot, monitor their fevers with Florance Nightingale style vigor, and administer endless amounts of the pink goop. Why is sacrifice attached to everything in parenting? Something always has the give and there is always something to feel guilty about. I swear, I had no idea..I'm not saying I would have chosen not to have kids...because that wouldn't be true, I've always wanted kids...but maybe I could have beefed up on the serotonin levels or prepared myself somehow for the pain that accompanies the joy. There are times when I just don't feel like I matter any more. I feel totally lost and gone in Mommy land. Does it ever get better? Do you ever get used to the barking coughs, the hot little limbs, the all nighters in a rocking chair? I could just cry thinking about it now...and both kids are blissfully napping without a sniffle in sight. What am I going to do to get through this winter alive..let alone find myself again and have a career that inspires me. Right now I am living for everyone else...will it be my turn again or is that what my 20's were for?