I Wish

I am so tired and faded away...
I barely know myself again today...
compulsed to investigate and wonder who you are

My fingers are heavy and my eyes blink hard.
I bore myself endlessly
and sit motionless for too long

What little I had is now all gone.
I don't know where to turn and I can't bare to run.

I just want to sleep and let the dreams come back
be the person I thought I was
breathe new life into this attack

I am angry and sad and all alone again
Too scared for the future or is this the end...

Devastated

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJ3sMTIljzs

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself
The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies
You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn
The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies
You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you'd slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn
So plant the thought and watch it grow
Wind it up and let it go

For you...EKL

It was around 11:30pm...Daddy and I were finally sleeping after a few hours of the shakes.

All of the sudden I could feel you coming. So I asked Daddy to go get the midwife...she rushed into the room to check me and sure enough, it was time to push. So mustered up all of my strength I pushed and I pushed and I pushed...and POP....out you came. Teri put you right up on my chest...you looked at me and I looked at you and I said, "Oh Evan, I am so glad you are here. I love you sooooo much." You had this sweet metallic smell and your eyes were deep and soulful. Daddy welled up with tears and proclaimed his undying love to you too. Then Daddy made your belly button and the nurse picked you up to weigh you and you peed all over her!!! We all laughed and were thankful that all of your parts were working! They wiped you off and wrapped you in a nice, soft, warm blanket and brought you back to me. I breastfed you and you took to it like a duck to water. When it was time to move to the maternity floor... we received visitors round the clock...Grandma and Grandpa, Mimi, Jay and Lyn, Jamie and Jeannine, the list goes on and on.

A day or so passed and it was time to go home. We dressed you in a cute little take home outfit, buckled you safely into your car seat and made the slow journey towards our new life with you. Once we arrived home our neighbor Linda came out and took a bunch of pictures of us. Once inside I introduced you to Maggie and Molly-Dogs, and showed you all around the house.

Then I sat in your blue rocking chair, in the very same spot it's in today and rocked you and held you and fed you and burped you and changed your diaper and sang to you and told you stories and kissed you non stop. The weather was warm and sunny and everyone said that you brought the spring.

I can't believe it was 4 years ago today... I know you know this story by heart but I wanted you to have it forever....Happy Birthday Baby!

All of my love,

Mommy

Short and not so sweet

Go away flu. Go away sick. Go away puke and puke buckets, and pukey sheets, and pedilite stinky drink. Go away sleeplessness and worry and achiness. Go away wind and cold and and raw chills and shivers. Go away clouds and rain and SNOW. Go away too busy and over scheduled and I need your help and I'm sick too and me too and me too. I've HAD it.

I had a perfectly happy run going all winter long, I have no use for you now...the last week in March, the week before my fun girls weekend planned, the week my mom moved here. What the fuck? You've had all winter long to plague me like you did last year. I thought we made an agreement...you leave me alone and I'll no longer dwell on you.

I've got sun to shine to in, kids to play, hubby's to laugh with, friends to see, mom's to spend time with, non profits to interview for, jobs to fill, 4th birthday parties to plan, running to be ran...

You've said your peace and now I've said mine...scram.

The Great and Powerful OZ

Why on god's green earth do I get myself into such predicaments? Sometimes I think I am too cocky to know the difference, sometimes I think I take "fake it till you make it" too far. Allow me to explain.



I had this bright idea to ask for a meeting with the CIO of a major, Fortune 500 company....and I got it. The day of the meeting I was to meet the HR Director first to discuss a strategy and go over key talking points. She was only able to get me 15 minutes with him so I had to get my selling point across fast. Anyway, I digress as usual. So I am completely unprepared for this meeting but am counting on this briefing session with HR to pull me through.



Fast forward to meeting day....I walked through the front door when receptionist started yelling my name...."Stef" she screams..."Stef...I need to talk to you." HR lady called in and is in the hospital...she said go see the CIO yourself...she said you would know what to do.



Holy SHIT, are you kidding me?



My meeting is at 10:30...it's 10:29...I have no choice...I must march onward. I start to tremble as I get into the elevators to the executive floor. I get in, push 5...then the door close button. But it wasn't the door close button...it was really the rear door open button and I exposed stupid nervousness to the warehouse workers. Ok...push door close button...frantically.



I arrive at his Executive Admin's desk who starts bending my ear about her daughter who needs a job and will be home for break form school and who needs her adenoids taken out and....I stop her, "you know i have a meeting with CIO man at 10:30 right?" I'm thinking surely she is stalling me with all this daughter talk because he must not be ready for me, right?



WHAT? she says, holy SHIT...it's 10:35...let's go.



I walk into his office, she says CIO man this is Stef from her company, sorry SHE is late....are you F'in kidding me lady? Anyway...digress.



I rush to shake his hand, nice and firm...and my laptop purse bag thing falls down my arm and nails him in the leg. Great. I apologize and plow on.



He offers me a seat which I promptly take....could someone have filled me in on the loose back? I lean back and end up flying backwards at warp speed into his file cabinet...BANG. I continue on.



CIO - "So, Stef, what can I do for you today?"



Me - Blink blink.



CIO - "Stef, what brings you here today?"



Me - You know HR lady is sick in the hospital right?



CIO - "Yes, I know, she IM'ed me"



Me - "Oh, ok." blink blink blink.."I'm here because I wanted to tell you that we bought out another company and will be changing our name because their name is much better than ours and ahem, um , well so we'll have that new name soon, and well, um, I have some things to update you on our service offerings because of this um, new company and maybe we could do, more, well at least some...more....business with you and since we have had this relationship for well, you know, this partnership and we have had some issues. and well some success too and um....oh my god, I'm thinking...just shut up...just shut the F up. What am I retarded? I should have known better...last night i had one of those foreshadowing dreams...you know the heavy anxiety ones when you drop your 2 year old off at the pool by herself and your 3 year old at the zoo by himself...except with no shoes....and you yourself are late to the CIO meeting and end up somehow wearing your bathing suit and when you arrive at the meeting in your bathing suit your now teenage daughter is there doing a dance routine on the pool deck and you realize you missed it all ? You know...that sort of dream!

So after a good cry in the parking lot and an even better lunch with my husband, I realized that this flubbed meeting wasn't so bad after all. What really matters in my life aren't botched meetings with big and powerful people. I have all I need right here...there is no place like home.

Ant...Eater

The other day, completely fed up with the fact that we don't own a single full length mirror that doesn't require jumping up and down to see one's whole self...I asked J to take pictures of me in my new Tankini so that I could see what everyone else sees. I've obviously had my suspicions that it wasn't pretty...you know, I'm not stupid, I don't cut the size tag out of my clothes for nothing. I am familiar with the bulging back fat, the rolling hills of lard, the muffin top that I create everytime I get dressed.

But this self potrait of mine...Oh holy hell, who the F--- is this??? I look like a giant black ant.
J spits out water laughing and I know I've hit my mark. Tiny little head, big black thorax, bulging love handles and belly, thicker arm and thigh tops that whittle down to skinny little appendages. Is that really me?

So I did what any normal human would do...I printed the pictures on big 7 x 11.5 paper and hung them all around the kitchen and office. Oh yeah, I'm not afraid of the big black ant. I stare at myself as I reach for food, talk on the phone, or sit at my computer. I not only analyze the bulbousness of my body but also get the bonus material seeing the black circles under my eyes, the crazy rooster looking hair do, stretched out tattoo, deflated boobs, the lop-sideness of my bum.....I had no idea I had such a pancake ass! I truly look like those bad "before" pictures you see in commercials. Who the hell do I think I am eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser?

OK, so I need to tweak this journey of mine and focus on weight loss. Ant-Lady...put down the ice cream, pick up the leash and walk. Must morph back into human shape...fast. It's almost picnic season!

What happens in the Running Club, stays in the Running Club

So, I joined a Running Club. I choose to use caps when describing the Running Club because to me, it's very important...and the fact that I actually joined and participated, is monumentus.

The first night, the gang of running girls...all from different backgrounds and walks of life...decided on a "quick" run because they were eager to drink beer afterwards. I'm thinking...oh yeah...I've found my niche, my buds, my soul mates in friendship. Little did I know, that "quick" meant Jackie fucking Joyner Kersey sprinting of exactly 3.8 miles! I almost quit right then and there, but they started off and I felt compelled to follow. Plus, one of them had a huge dog with them, I thought, how bad can it be?

From the starting point on all I could see was in shape booties and pony tails flapping in the wind. I claimed I liked taking up the back, just in case, you know, maybe someone tried to grab one of them, would be good to have a witness. Also, I didn't want to show them up...first day of RC and all. Plus, I've been on a major grapenut diet, would not make a favorable impression on my new friends to give them a fart filled tailwind. They were so sweet though...during the run they would turn around and run backwards to make sure I hadn't died...circle blocks once or twice waiting for my fat ass to catch up, etc. One even claimed she didn't want to sprint, ah hem, run that night so she would walk along side me while I ran. I must act delusional while running too... at one point I was so twisted around from running different streets I breathlessly yelled ahead and asked where we were...they answered, Beverly. No freaking duh, Beverly...I know what town I live in for crying out loud! Do I look like I no longer recognize where I am from?

By the end of those 3.8 tortuous miles I felt like my legs were filled with lead, my feet made of cinder blocks and thought I just may cross the finish line with poop running down my leg...just like you see at the marathons! I tasted blood in my mouth and had to walk the last couple of blocks.

Still I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment for those few measly miles. Not bad for an old goat who's 50 lbs over weight and hasn't worked out for over 4 years.

So if you see pack of skinny chicks running on a Wednesday night, pull over, wait 5 minutes and honk to the one that looks like she's trying REALLY hard. It just may be the newest member of the Running Club.

The Real Journey Begins

I HATE IT HERE he screamed this morning. Crash went the dishes in the dishwasher, babies crying, babies coughing, momma crying and tired. Spankings and twisted necks, frustrations boiling over. Sopping soaking mess outside, snow, rain...raw, just raw everywhere. Trying desperately to blink away the tears... I think gather yourself girl....you are out numbered right now. Gather yourself...crying will not help. Save yourself and listen to what's around you....I stop...I listened and this is what I heard.

You (meaning me) are disconnected and enamored with yourself. It's all about you and what others do to you but are you willing to look at what you do to others? Perfect, I think not. Patient, no not that either. Engaging, nope keep looking. Selfless...um, negative. Miserable, yup..check that box. And for what? Because I hate my job? PA LEEZE. ok, so I hate my job...did it ever occur to me to look at the other pieces of the pie that I have? Nope, because I blamed them for not having the job that I want. I end up pushing them away because I don't have the job that I want...but then I stay in this job that I hate... because of them. Interesting. Not very bright. Yes, I've been seeking and searching, learning and connecting, posting and prodding and nothing has moved for me. It finally made sense to me after this morning's debacle. So thank you, my dear husband....probably the one I've neglected the most. He opened my eyes to this game I've been playing and made me realize that I need to refocus. My life is not about my career...it's about what really makes me whole. All I've wanted my entire life is a happy marriage, healthy kids, a house on the water and a cool dog. I have all of that and more...so without judgment and intention I reframe, I refocus, I reenergize, I let go, I apologize...

To my soul mate, I am sorry I've been disconnected. I thought I was hiding my anger and shame so well. I thought that you would make it all better for me and as long as I was bringing in a paycheck and here for our kids...that it would be enough. I thought a clean house and full belly was worth more than a big hug and a smile on my face. Instead I greeted you each night with anger, exhaustion, contempt, worry, and resentment. You never asked for this, you never wanted this, yet somehow I turned you into this. What I saw this morning was the monster I created, I saw myself. I only hope it's not too late...I know you'll forgive me but will you forget?

To my kids, you bring me to my knees with love. My head pounds each day because I cannot find the strength to leave you at night. I think I still sleep with you because it's the only time I can really handle. It's peaceful and cuddly and I know I can keep you safe when you are so still and near. I'm sorry I have been unavailable to you during the day because of work. I know you still love me and think I am a good mommy but I promise it will be better. I know you don't need me at home anymore and I am glad you like spending so much time with Grandma. You are the 2 funniest, kindest, smartest kids I know and I love you more and more each day.

To my mom, I am sorry I've been impatient and judgmental towards you. I've been either your mom or your bratty 3 year old little girl. I'm going to try to be a better daughter and friend. You deserve some happiness and sunshine in your life. I'm looking forward to your arrival!

To my poppy, I am sorry I didn't come to your funeral because I was afraid to fly, breastfeed in public and take time off of work. I am sorry I didn't get to say good bye and tell you how much you meant to me. I look at our picture together everyday and I think about how proud you would be of me and the kids. I know I was the apple of your eye and I just wish I had matured more before you left me. I want you to know that I call Ev "bugs" and tell Sky that "she's my girl" I smile knowing you are in my heart always.

To my mother in law, I am sorry I've been such a jerk to you. I am not sure what my major malfunction is when it comes to you. I guess I am mostly jealous, you get to spend the uninterrupted time I wish I could with my kids, you get to play and laugh and read books with them while I am listening to you from my office. You get to feed them cookies, and cakes, and gummy worms and lay down with them at nap time, and praise them for being so smart, and then you get to leave and not deal with the repercussions of all of that indulgence. You are the hero because they don't know any better. Not that you aren't great, because you are. But they don't know the sacrifices J and I make to provide for them, they don't understand why I have rules and you don't. They just think I am one big no-sugar giving meany. Then you get to burst your chest with pride and tell everyone the things they do before I do...on top of that, you only talk as if daddy is the only one who has anything to do with their brilliance and only instruct them to show daddy their new tricks. I don't like the dog and pony show but I suppose I apologize for being so immature about it. I'll have to address this one in person to truly feel resolved but for now I am sorry. I know you do it out of love for them and not hate of me. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.

My writing time is over. Ev just woke from his nap and I am going to go to spend some time with him. So long for now...I'll write again when I can.

Role call...Stefanie? Present!

Have you ever driven somewhere and after a while looked up and thought, "how did I get here, I don't remember driving all this way...I haven't been paying any attention!" This is probably the closest analogy I can think of for my life right now. I've been so busy with the past... how can I heal that old wound, what did I learn from that experience, how can I change it, how can I forget it, how can I forgive it? As well as the future...what will I become, what shape will I be in, how will I make an impact, what business will I start, how much money will I make, and so on . So busy in fact that I've become a bumbling lost soul with no present day identity.

This really resonated with me when I read Bella's post on cleaning out her closet. http://beyondthemap.blogspot.com/ I had a similar experience this weekend. I was trying to find an outfit for lunch with a friend that I hadn't seen in 15 years. I bounced to my closet after showering eager to find something super cute and flattering, that made me feel great. I was met by old maternity clothes, out of season tops that pull and gape open from my still unfit body, and mom-ified funky, foogied, ripped, cheap target crap. Why am I constantly surprised by my findings? These clothes no longer fit me...personality or body.

It's no wonder, one foot always in the past, one foot always in the future..I've made no effort for today. Breathe in the present, breathe out the past and the future my yogi reminds me. I think I'll break out my yoga mat right now and think about that.

Failure to communicate

The great blogging critic has struck again. He just can't seem to get his arms around the fact that I am so miserable in my work that it's spilling over into every other aspect in my life. My latest post really throwing him for a loop! So I feel the need to clarify...

When I write of fear, failure, tears, anxiety...I'm writing about WORK. Work is important to me and brings value to my psyche. It's what gets me going in the morning and gives me rest at night. My current position at my current company just doesn't do it for me anymore and I am pissed that I just can't seem to get my fog to clear. It's become almost an obsessive past time...I think about a business to start about every 3.5 seconds.

I don't mean to saturate the universe with woes is me's...I just want to break free of these recruiter shackles. I've been able to conquer so much in my 34 years...why not this? Yes it's true that i have been able to work from home for the past 4 years, nurse my children for a year + each, keep my house in order, have a hot meal on the table each night, take care of the mundane tasks that life throws at me without taking vacation time etc etc. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love the gifts that have been bestowed to me thus far...trust me, my cup is half full....but I'm ready for the whole freaking drink. I mean, even this post is boring me to death. Wouldn't it be more fun reading of my adventures of starting an organic baby store, or helping kids with autism ride a horse, or designing some fabulous feng shui space for someone who needed it?

It's time to move on...that's all I'm sayin'.

Bang Bang BANG

Let me out. Let me out of this routine of fear. Let me out of the boring external shell that binds me. Let me out so that I can do something new. Let me live my life before it's gone...what could I possibly be offering you or anyone else at this point? Hire a robot to do your chores, ask my mom about living with regret, hire another recruiter to get kicked in the teeth every fucking day. You sit here and well up in tears over the state of affairs. You scream at your kids/dogs/husband because you are so fed up. You long for the sunshine that I'll be sitting in. I'm done. My blessings are counted and packed, when do we leave?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo