The other day, completely fed up with the fact that we don't own a single full length mirror that doesn't require jumping up and down to see one's whole self...I asked J to take pictures of me in my new Tankini so that I could see what everyone else sees. I've obviously had my suspicions that it wasn't pretty...you know, I'm not stupid, I don't cut the size tag out of my clothes for nothing. I am familiar with the bulging back fat, the rolling hills of lard, the muffin top that I create everytime I get dressed.
But this self potrait of mine...Oh holy hell, who the F--- is this??? I look like a giant black ant.
J spits out water laughing and I know I've hit my mark. Tiny little head, big black thorax, bulging love handles and belly, thicker arm and thigh tops that whittle down to skinny little appendages. Is that really me?
So I did what any normal human would do...I printed the pictures on big 7 x 11.5 paper and hung them all around the kitchen and office. Oh yeah, I'm not afraid of the big black ant. I stare at myself as I reach for food, talk on the phone, or sit at my computer. I not only analyze the bulbousness of my body but also get the bonus material seeing the black circles under my eyes, the crazy rooster looking hair do, stretched out tattoo, deflated boobs, the lop-sideness of my bum.....I had no idea I had such a pancake ass! I truly look like those bad "before" pictures you see in commercials. Who the hell do I think I am eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser?
OK, so I need to tweak this journey of mine and focus on weight loss. Ant-Lady...put down the ice cream, pick up the leash and walk. Must morph back into human shape...fast. It's almost picnic season!
