Role call...Stefanie? Present!

Have you ever driven somewhere and after a while looked up and thought, "how did I get here, I don't remember driving all this way...I haven't been paying any attention!" This is probably the closest analogy I can think of for my life right now. I've been so busy with the past... how can I heal that old wound, what did I learn from that experience, how can I change it, how can I forget it, how can I forgive it? As well as the future...what will I become, what shape will I be in, how will I make an impact, what business will I start, how much money will I make, and so on . So busy in fact that I've become a bumbling lost soul with no present day identity.

This really resonated with me when I read Bella's post on cleaning out her closet. http://beyondthemap.blogspot.com/ I had a similar experience this weekend. I was trying to find an outfit for lunch with a friend that I hadn't seen in 15 years. I bounced to my closet after showering eager to find something super cute and flattering, that made me feel great. I was met by old maternity clothes, out of season tops that pull and gape open from my still unfit body, and mom-ified funky, foogied, ripped, cheap target crap. Why am I constantly surprised by my findings? These clothes no longer fit me...personality or body.

It's no wonder, one foot always in the past, one foot always in the future..I've made no effort for today. Breathe in the present, breathe out the past and the future my yogi reminds me. I think I'll break out my yoga mat right now and think about that.

Failure to communicate

The great blogging critic has struck again. He just can't seem to get his arms around the fact that I am so miserable in my work that it's spilling over into every other aspect in my life. My latest post really throwing him for a loop! So I feel the need to clarify...

When I write of fear, failure, tears, anxiety...I'm writing about WORK. Work is important to me and brings value to my psyche. It's what gets me going in the morning and gives me rest at night. My current position at my current company just doesn't do it for me anymore and I am pissed that I just can't seem to get my fog to clear. It's become almost an obsessive past time...I think about a business to start about every 3.5 seconds.

I don't mean to saturate the universe with woes is me's...I just want to break free of these recruiter shackles. I've been able to conquer so much in my 34 years...why not this? Yes it's true that i have been able to work from home for the past 4 years, nurse my children for a year + each, keep my house in order, have a hot meal on the table each night, take care of the mundane tasks that life throws at me without taking vacation time etc etc. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love the gifts that have been bestowed to me thus far...trust me, my cup is half full....but I'm ready for the whole freaking drink. I mean, even this post is boring me to death. Wouldn't it be more fun reading of my adventures of starting an organic baby store, or helping kids with autism ride a horse, or designing some fabulous feng shui space for someone who needed it?

It's time to move on...that's all I'm sayin'.

Bang Bang BANG

Let me out. Let me out of this routine of fear. Let me out of the boring external shell that binds me. Let me out so that I can do something new. Let me live my life before it's gone...what could I possibly be offering you or anyone else at this point? Hire a robot to do your chores, ask my mom about living with regret, hire another recruiter to get kicked in the teeth every fucking day. You sit here and well up in tears over the state of affairs. You scream at your kids/dogs/husband because you are so fed up. You long for the sunshine that I'll be sitting in. I'm done. My blessings are counted and packed, when do we leave?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo