Go away flu. Go away sick. Go away puke and puke buckets, and pukey sheets, and pedilite stinky drink. Go away sleeplessness and worry and achiness. Go away wind and cold and and raw chills and shivers. Go away clouds and rain and SNOW. Go away too busy and over scheduled and I need your help and I'm sick too and me too and me too. I've HAD it.
I had a perfectly happy run going all winter long, I have no use for you now...the last week in March, the week before my fun girls weekend planned, the week my mom moved here. What the fuck? You've had all winter long to plague me like you did last year. I thought we made an agreement...you leave me alone and I'll no longer dwell on you.
I've got sun to shine to in, kids to play, hubby's to laugh with, friends to see, mom's to spend time with, non profits to interview for, jobs to fill, 4th birthday parties to plan, running to be ran...
You've said your peace and now I've said mine...scram.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The Great and Powerful OZ
Why on god's green earth do I get myself into such predicaments? Sometimes I think I am too cocky to know the difference, sometimes I think I take "fake it till you make it" too far. Allow me to explain.
I had this bright idea to ask for a meeting with the CIO of a major, Fortune 500 company....and I got it. The day of the meeting I was to meet the HR Director first to discuss a strategy and go over key talking points. She was only able to get me 15 minutes with him so I had to get my selling point across fast. Anyway, I digress as usual. So I am completely unprepared for this meeting but am counting on this briefing session with HR to pull me through.
Fast forward to meeting day....I walked through the front door when receptionist started yelling my name...."Stef" she screams..."Stef...I need to talk to you." HR lady called in and is in the hospital...she said go see the CIO yourself...she said you would know what to do.
Holy SHIT, are you kidding me?
My meeting is at 10:30...it's 10:29...I have no choice...I must march onward. I start to tremble as I get into the elevators to the executive floor. I get in, push 5...then the door close button. But it wasn't the door close button...it was really the rear door open button and I exposed stupid nervousness to the warehouse workers. Ok...push door close button...frantically.
I arrive at his Executive Admin's desk who starts bending my ear about her daughter who needs a job and will be home for break form school and who needs her adenoids taken out and....I stop her, "you know i have a meeting with CIO man at 10:30 right?" I'm thinking surely she is stalling me with all this daughter talk because he must not be ready for me, right?
WHAT? she says, holy SHIT...it's 10:35...let's go.
I walk into his office, she says CIO man this is Stef from her company, sorry SHE is late....are you F'in kidding me lady? Anyway...digress.
I rush to shake his hand, nice and firm...and my laptop purse bag thing falls down my arm and nails him in the leg. Great. I apologize and plow on.
He offers me a seat which I promptly take....could someone have filled me in on the loose back? I lean back and end up flying backwards at warp speed into his file cabinet...BANG. I continue on.
CIO - "So, Stef, what can I do for you today?"
Me - Blink blink.
CIO - "Stef, what brings you here today?"
Me - You know HR lady is sick in the hospital right?
CIO - "Yes, I know, she IM'ed me"
Me - "Oh, ok." blink blink blink.."I'm here because I wanted to tell you that we bought out another company and will be changing our name because their name is much better than ours and ahem, um , well so we'll have that new name soon, and well, um, I have some things to update you on our service offerings because of this um, new company and maybe we could do, more, well at least some...more....business with you and since we have had this relationship for well, you know, this partnership and we have had some issues. and well some success too and um....oh my god, I'm thinking...just shut up...just shut the F up. What am I retarded? I should have known better...last night i had one of those foreshadowing dreams...you know the heavy anxiety ones when you drop your 2 year old off at the pool by herself and your 3 year old at the zoo by himself...except with no shoes....and you yourself are late to the CIO meeting and end up somehow wearing your bathing suit and when you arrive at the meeting in your bathing suit your now teenage daughter is there doing a dance routine on the pool deck and you realize you missed it all ? You know...that sort of dream!
So after a good cry in the parking lot and an even better lunch with my husband, I realized that this flubbed meeting wasn't so bad after all. What really matters in my life aren't botched meetings with big and powerful people. I have all I need right here...there is no place like home.
I had this bright idea to ask for a meeting with the CIO of a major, Fortune 500 company....and I got it. The day of the meeting I was to meet the HR Director first to discuss a strategy and go over key talking points. She was only able to get me 15 minutes with him so I had to get my selling point across fast. Anyway, I digress as usual. So I am completely unprepared for this meeting but am counting on this briefing session with HR to pull me through.
Fast forward to meeting day....I walked through the front door when receptionist started yelling my name...."Stef" she screams..."Stef...I need to talk to you." HR lady called in and is in the hospital...she said go see the CIO yourself...she said you would know what to do.
Holy SHIT, are you kidding me?
My meeting is at 10:30...it's 10:29...I have no choice...I must march onward. I start to tremble as I get into the elevators to the executive floor. I get in, push 5...then the door close button. But it wasn't the door close button...it was really the rear door open button and I exposed stupid nervousness to the warehouse workers. Ok...push door close button...frantically.
I arrive at his Executive Admin's desk who starts bending my ear about her daughter who needs a job and will be home for break form school and who needs her adenoids taken out and....I stop her, "you know i have a meeting with CIO man at 10:30 right?" I'm thinking surely she is stalling me with all this daughter talk because he must not be ready for me, right?
WHAT? she says, holy SHIT...it's 10:35...let's go.
I walk into his office, she says CIO man this is Stef from her company, sorry SHE is late....are you F'in kidding me lady? Anyway...digress.
I rush to shake his hand, nice and firm...and my laptop purse bag thing falls down my arm and nails him in the leg. Great. I apologize and plow on.
He offers me a seat which I promptly take....could someone have filled me in on the loose back? I lean back and end up flying backwards at warp speed into his file cabinet...BANG. I continue on.
CIO - "So, Stef, what can I do for you today?"
Me - Blink blink.
CIO - "Stef, what brings you here today?"
Me - You know HR lady is sick in the hospital right?
CIO - "Yes, I know, she IM'ed me"
Me - "Oh, ok." blink blink blink.."I'm here because I wanted to tell you that we bought out another company and will be changing our name because their name is much better than ours and ahem, um , well so we'll have that new name soon, and well, um, I have some things to update you on our service offerings because of this um, new company and maybe we could do, more, well at least some...more....business with you and since we have had this relationship for well, you know, this partnership and we have had some issues. and well some success too and um....oh my god, I'm thinking...just shut up...just shut the F up. What am I retarded? I should have known better...last night i had one of those foreshadowing dreams...you know the heavy anxiety ones when you drop your 2 year old off at the pool by herself and your 3 year old at the zoo by himself...except with no shoes....and you yourself are late to the CIO meeting and end up somehow wearing your bathing suit and when you arrive at the meeting in your bathing suit your now teenage daughter is there doing a dance routine on the pool deck and you realize you missed it all ? You know...that sort of dream!
So after a good cry in the parking lot and an even better lunch with my husband, I realized that this flubbed meeting wasn't so bad after all. What really matters in my life aren't botched meetings with big and powerful people. I have all I need right here...there is no place like home.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Ant...Eater
The other day, completely fed up with the fact that we don't own a single full length mirror that doesn't require jumping up and down to see one's whole self...I asked J to take pictures of me in my new Tankini so that I could see what everyone else sees. I've obviously had my suspicions that it wasn't pretty...you know, I'm not stupid, I don't cut the size tag out of my clothes for nothing. I am familiar with the bulging back fat, the rolling hills of lard, the muffin top that I create everytime I get dressed.
But this self potrait of mine...Oh holy hell, who the F--- is this??? I look like a giant black ant.
J spits out water laughing and I know I've hit my mark. Tiny little head, big black thorax, bulging love handles and belly, thicker arm and thigh tops that whittle down to skinny little appendages. Is that really me?
So I did what any normal human would do...I printed the pictures on big 7 x 11.5 paper and hung them all around the kitchen and office. Oh yeah, I'm not afraid of the big black ant. I stare at myself as I reach for food, talk on the phone, or sit at my computer. I not only analyze the bulbousness of my body but also get the bonus material seeing the black circles under my eyes, the crazy rooster looking hair do, stretched out tattoo, deflated boobs, the lop-sideness of my bum.....I had no idea I had such a pancake ass! I truly look like those bad "before" pictures you see in commercials. Who the hell do I think I am eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser?
OK, so I need to tweak this journey of mine and focus on weight loss. Ant-Lady...put down the ice cream, pick up the leash and walk. Must morph back into human shape...fast. It's almost picnic season!
But this self potrait of mine...Oh holy hell, who the F--- is this??? I look like a giant black ant.
J spits out water laughing and I know I've hit my mark. Tiny little head, big black thorax, bulging love handles and belly, thicker arm and thigh tops that whittle down to skinny little appendages. Is that really me?
So I did what any normal human would do...I printed the pictures on big 7 x 11.5 paper and hung them all around the kitchen and office. Oh yeah, I'm not afraid of the big black ant. I stare at myself as I reach for food, talk on the phone, or sit at my computer. I not only analyze the bulbousness of my body but also get the bonus material seeing the black circles under my eyes, the crazy rooster looking hair do, stretched out tattoo, deflated boobs, the lop-sideness of my bum.....I had no idea I had such a pancake ass! I truly look like those bad "before" pictures you see in commercials. Who the hell do I think I am eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser?
OK, so I need to tweak this journey of mine and focus on weight loss. Ant-Lady...put down the ice cream, pick up the leash and walk. Must morph back into human shape...fast. It's almost picnic season!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
What happens in the Running Club, stays in the Running Club
So, I joined a Running Club. I choose to use caps when describing the Running Club because to me, it's very important...and the fact that I actually joined and participated, is monumentus.
The first night, the gang of running girls...all from different backgrounds and walks of life...decided on a "quick" run because they were eager to drink beer afterwards. I'm thinking...oh yeah...I've found my niche, my buds, my soul mates in friendship. Little did I know, that "quick" meant Jackie fucking Joyner Kersey sprinting of exactly 3.8 miles! I almost quit right then and there, but they started off and I felt compelled to follow. Plus, one of them had a huge dog with them, I thought, how bad can it be?
From the starting point on all I could see was in shape booties and pony tails flapping in the wind. I claimed I liked taking up the back, just in case, you know, maybe someone tried to grab one of them, would be good to have a witness. Also, I didn't want to show them up...first day of RC and all. Plus, I've been on a major grapenut diet, would not make a favorable impression on my new friends to give them a fart filled tailwind. They were so sweet though...during the run they would turn around and run backwards to make sure I hadn't died...circle blocks once or twice waiting for my fat ass to catch up, etc. One even claimed she didn't want to sprint, ah hem, run that night so she would walk along side me while I ran. I must act delusional while running too... at one point I was so twisted around from running different streets I breathlessly yelled ahead and asked where we were...they answered, Beverly. No freaking duh, Beverly...I know what town I live in for crying out loud! Do I look like I no longer recognize where I am from?
By the end of those 3.8 tortuous miles I felt like my legs were filled with lead, my feet made of cinder blocks and thought I just may cross the finish line with poop running down my leg...just like you see at the marathons! I tasted blood in my mouth and had to walk the last couple of blocks.
Still I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment for those few measly miles. Not bad for an old goat who's 50 lbs over weight and hasn't worked out for over 4 years.
So if you see pack of skinny chicks running on a Wednesday night, pull over, wait 5 minutes and honk to the one that looks like she's trying REALLY hard. It just may be the newest member of the Running Club.
The first night, the gang of running girls...all from different backgrounds and walks of life...decided on a "quick" run because they were eager to drink beer afterwards. I'm thinking...oh yeah...I've found my niche, my buds, my soul mates in friendship. Little did I know, that "quick" meant Jackie fucking Joyner Kersey sprinting of exactly 3.8 miles! I almost quit right then and there, but they started off and I felt compelled to follow. Plus, one of them had a huge dog with them, I thought, how bad can it be?
From the starting point on all I could see was in shape booties and pony tails flapping in the wind. I claimed I liked taking up the back, just in case, you know, maybe someone tried to grab one of them, would be good to have a witness. Also, I didn't want to show them up...first day of RC and all. Plus, I've been on a major grapenut diet, would not make a favorable impression on my new friends to give them a fart filled tailwind. They were so sweet though...during the run they would turn around and run backwards to make sure I hadn't died...circle blocks once or twice waiting for my fat ass to catch up, etc. One even claimed she didn't want to sprint, ah hem, run that night so she would walk along side me while I ran. I must act delusional while running too... at one point I was so twisted around from running different streets I breathlessly yelled ahead and asked where we were...they answered, Beverly. No freaking duh, Beverly...I know what town I live in for crying out loud! Do I look like I no longer recognize where I am from?
By the end of those 3.8 tortuous miles I felt like my legs were filled with lead, my feet made of cinder blocks and thought I just may cross the finish line with poop running down my leg...just like you see at the marathons! I tasted blood in my mouth and had to walk the last couple of blocks.
Still I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment for those few measly miles. Not bad for an old goat who's 50 lbs over weight and hasn't worked out for over 4 years.
So if you see pack of skinny chicks running on a Wednesday night, pull over, wait 5 minutes and honk to the one that looks like she's trying REALLY hard. It just may be the newest member of the Running Club.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)