Has anyone seen my will?

Apparently something happened after my first child was born. Most people say it's baby, placenta, brain. I think mine went something like baby, placenta, personality.

I went to a concert with my husband Sunday night despite having a raging head cold... John Butler Trio (which I highly recommend if you get the chance) but all I could think about were negative things. Will the kids be ok? Will they eat? Will Sky throw up again? Will grandma brush their teeth? Will they cough up a lung? Will grandma plug in their humidifiers? Did I clean them out or will I fill their rooms with bacteria? Will this balcony fall? Will I cough up a lung? Will I die if this chicken isn't cooked? Will my keys fall out of my pocket while walking through the city? Will I get fired from my job if I call in sick again tomorrow? Will my marriage fail if I beg him to leave early tonight? Will one of the drunk kids at the concert throw up on me? Will my mom finally move to Massachusetts? Will Jeff's dad recover from cancer and chemo? Will the chiropractor be mad if I change my appointment at the last minute? Will I get out of debt? Will I get sicker if my hands dirty and I need to blow my nose? Will my mother in law ever love me? Will I ever make any friends? Will I get to sleep tonight? Will I ever be able to afford another massage/polarity session? Will I ever get back to yoga? Will the kids have a good Christmas? Will I ever lose weight? Will I ever leave my job?

What the hell happened to me? I don't know this person I've become.

Then it occurred to me.... I went for my first ever polarity treatment last week and within seconds she asked me what was wrong as she was hovering over my solar plexus. I said that I wasn't sure but that it has really been hurting me. She said, have you lost your will? And I just laid there, blinking at her? I needed to process her question. I finally came up with an answer for her today. I don't think I've lost my will, I just reallocated it to the craziness that my life has become. So today I begin a journey of another kind...I will find my will and move forward. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll be living a lifetime of regret.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic
So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy ' cause
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

Desperate times call for desperate measures

So I just made a "girls night out" date with a mom from my kids school. This in of itself is no great feat I know. But it sort of is for me...you see this mom wears Micky Mouse Sweatshirts. I've always fancied myself to be a part of the "in" crowd. Keeping up with the Joneses was my national pastime/obsession. The Aquarius in me always marched to the beat of a different drum mind you, but I had no problem driving fancy cars, wearing fancy jeans and dining at fancy restaurants. All of this has changed for me since moving to Massachusetts. People just aren't as nice and inviting as the rest of us Southern folks. It's been 3 solid years here and I have only connected with one other person...but she moved and is now gone. I also maintain that my friendlessness is not from lack of effort. Sure, I'm busy, 2 kids, hubby, house, full time job, I don't have much time and if I do make time, I want to pee or something equally as pampering....but if someone wanted to be my friend, I would be sure to also fit that in to my day. Which brings me to my own mommy play date. This woman wants to be my friend. I can just tell. She's showed up to any event I've invited her to, sometimes the only person to show up in the case of my art show a few months ago, and the other night, in the middle of the early childhood education pot luck dinner she saw me and lit up like a Christmas tree. She gave me a big hug and said how much she missed seeing me around. (minor point I left out of the story is that our kids were in the same class last year and over the summer but have since been separated.) I have sort of been unconsciencly keeping her at arms length I think because I still battle my shallow demons. But it felt good to have someone seek me out, genuinely care about how I'm doing and where I've been, and sincerely express an interest in getting together and then following up on it. So universe, listen up...I'm no longer too cool for school...I want to be friends with good people who care about me and my family...Micky Mouse sweatshirts notwithstanding. Now, don't get me wrong, I will not be busting out any pumpkin and scarecrow printed turtlenecks to strut around town in...but I will no longer hold it against you if you do.

Same but Different

So I am not totally surprised at the fact that I have once again fallen off the face of the blogging earth. Life has been dealing it's usual crazy hand to me and I've been winning! While I realize that "Global Corporate Recruiter" was not on my prior post's top ten jobs list, I found myself eagerly flying to Charlotte, NC earlier this week to interview. A major bank wants to beef up their Talent Acquisition group. The experience in of itself was amazing, a hotel room, a good dinner at a smoky bar, a relaxing piece of cheesecake in bed while simultaneously watching Something's Gotta Give, The Secret, and The Red Sox...bath's, more room service in the morning, nobody needing anything...the list goes on and on. There is a part of me that doesn't even care if I get the job..,just to have pampered myself for one night was enough to renew and sustain me.

However, I must be sending some pretty hefty vibes out into the universe (yes, some of this is based on me watching The Secret)...because when I arrived back home there was another company waiting in my voicemail that is also looking for a cool mix of recruiting and HR...what gives? I've been spinning in this vortex of "I want to..." insert change, be, become and suddenly all in one week 2 pretty sexy jobs appear out of nowhere. Basically dropped on my lap, beat me over the head and say...see...you can have it all.

So now I wait...hopefully I'll get 2 incredible offers to choose from and I'll be on my merry way.

Back to the interview in Charlotte for just a moment...the great Blogging Critic of the world, my husband...doesn't believe I am funny enough in my posts. Each day he returns home from work to either inform me that I have not written a blog today (duh) or that I am too doom in gloom. "you are funny" he says...so here goes, an attempt to tell a funny story in written words. I fancy myself as more as the Thespian type...I like to act things out to convey the true color of the event...but hubby seems to think I can pull this off. My favorite game is charades. Ok, enough stalling.

So I am in Charlotte right, and I am walking from the hotel to the interview and it's about 8:30 am and already 100% humidity (didn't think about that when I straightened my super curly hair) and probably 89 degrees. I hustle to the interview because I spotted a jewelerly cart on the street and wasted too much time going ga ga over her pieces, anyway...I run into the building where I am met by the biggest, baddest security lady I have ever seen. She tells me to line myself up with her camera so that she can take my picture. I am distracted because we are standing right in front of 4 sets of elevators and the morning robots are trying to get to their desks. People are whizzing by me and I kept turning to check people out. I am also trying to put my ID back in my bag and next thing I know, the bid bad security lady hands me my badge. I said, wait, don't you need to take my picture? She says, I did. I look at my photo and I literally look like I am from a family of praying mantises. My hand is crooked back like my thumb is tied to my wrist, my suit coat is all pulled open, my hair is frizzified and my head is turned gawking at the people on the elevators. Great. So I brush it off, step on to the elevator and proceed to the 3rd floor. There i am met by a set of 2 double glass doors. I'm thinking, come on, is this Fort Knox? Anyway, I forget the instructions I was given....I think it was supposed to wave down the receptionist who will buzz me in...so I start with a friendly, tap tap on the glass. She rolls her eyes at me and the buzzer goes off. I pull the door...my arm almost falls out of it's socket. I'm thinking..pretty tough door...I pull and pull and pull. I look at the door again and realize it says push...I push the door...but I also didn't realize that grumpy receptionist needs to buzz me again...that thrilled her...so she buzzes and I push the door and am met by my next opponent, the second glass door. It occurs to me that is probably a test and part of the interview.... so I start panicking. I push the second glass door...I go flying into it like a bug on a windshield on a summer night....smash! The door does not open. I stop, look a the door, and see that it says "pull." Ahh, such trickery to enter the golden temple of banking. Super pissed receptionist has to buzz me yet again and I enter the promise land. I am sweating bullets my this point. Not only am I 30 seconds behind schedule, but the weather, badge picture, and door test have proved to be worthy advisories. I am nervous about the actual questions and I have 8 people yet to meet. I'm escorted to the conference room where it must be 2000 degrees with blaring over head lighting. I'm thinking that I may faint. A friend, and reason for this interview, pokes his head in to check on me and also notes the volcano like heat. He shared with me that it was hot on his interview here and that he believes the AC is motion activated. Of course...why didn't I think of that?

So I start flapping my arms like a damn crazy chicken, begging the heat gods to have mercy on me. Sweat is forming on my newly waxed lip and I am beyond nervous.

Sure enough though....my friend was right, the AC kicked in, my interviews started sweat free and the rest of the day was great.

So there baby, no more doom and gloom...are you happy? I am.

Totally Distracted

I am back from a wonderful (and illness free-yeah!) vacation. It's been a rough transition back. I had the kids all to myself the week before vacation (to insure my sick free stay) and then the whole week on vacation. I have a sort of kid hangover I suppose. It doesn't help that I am met with "the whole school has been sick" the first day back and that the client I support got bought out....but even still I am having a hard time getting all the synapses to fire. I wish there was a job out there that paid me to decorate, be with the kids, cook for my family and read blogs all day. I really need to try to refocus on the good old career search but my energy has been sucked into the cold and flu anxiety ridden season vortex instead. Ugg, I frustrate myself with this obsessive compulsive thinking. Why can't I obsess over watching reruns of Melrose Place or running or something as equally arbitrary as sickness. I would love to explore all of this in a past life hypnoses...I bet ya something horrific happened to me as a kid...or maybe it's the fact that I have yet to deal with my current life's tragedies. I've looked at six ways to Sunday and just can't seem to figure out why I get so tripped up. Is it the IUD? Is it the shift in hormones after back to back pregnancy and breastfeeding both for well over a year? I could go on for years...

Well anyway, I just started reading Eat, Pray, Love and I'm finding all sorts of passages to highlight. My favorite right now is " I will not harbour negative thoughts" ...that's it! I just came up with my new full time job, "I will not harbour negative thoughts." I wonder how much I'll earn? Seriously though, here is a list of the things I would like to do next-keep in mind that I am an IT recruiter with an English degree and need to pull my weight financially in our family, it's no wonder I am in a conundrum:)

1. Work on a horse farm
2. Be a postpartum Douala
3. Yoga instructor for kids
4. Writer
5. Decorator
6. Own my own errand running business
7. Live music coffee house owner
8. Wine and Cheese shop owner
9. Nursery designer
10. Photographer

Anyone else out there make a huge leap of faith? If so, would love to hear from you! My synapse's need a jump start!

Leading lambs to slaughter

I dropped my little ones off at school this morning only to be met in the class room by another mom holding one child with green thick boogers across her face and another limp in her lap who she mentions has been throwing up all night. I ripped my screaming, crying baby girl from my shirt, kissed her, handed her over promptly to the teacher and walked right out of the room. I took my 3 year old by the hand, led him into his classroom across the street and overheard a conversation his teacher was having with a mom about her kids not coming to school today because of the stomach flu. I kissed him, waved goodbye and walked right out the classroom. I spent the next 3 hours chewing the side of my mouth to grand canyon sized hole proportions, cleaned my house with Lysol from top to bottom, and broke down crying begging God for help. Does this sound like fun to you? What the bleep is wrong with me? Why do I just hear about illness and automatically swing into flight or fight mode? We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday for a week at the beach...I was so excited and eager to leave but now I am struggling to finish a thought. What happened to the strong willed, type A, bull in a china closet that I used to be? Was it baby, placenta, personality during their birth? Why why why? The mind chatter is unnerving and I just wish I could figure it all out. I don't want to be this weeping fool anymore but I can't seem to come up with anything to change it. In an attempt to control what little I can in this situation, I stopped at the natural health store to stock up on probiotics, vitamins and Echnichea. As I pulled into a parking spot, Peter Gabriel's, "Don't Give Up" played on the radio. I absolutely love that song. The words seemed to be speaking directly to me today...I welled up with tears and turned the ignition off despite being only halfway through the song. Plus, who wants to cry in public? I gathered myself and walked into the store only to hear that same freaking song being played! Maybe it's a sign I thought, maybe I do worry too much, maybe everything is going to be alright. But boy, sometimes I feel just like a weeping willow. Like it's all my fault my little babes are exposed to the cesspool of germs before their time. I never went to preschool, how much of an advantage can you gain at 2 and 3 years of age? I am toying with taking them out of school...just using my mother in law and the nanny part time until they go to kindergarten. But then I worry that this is my own craziness talking and not what's right for the kids. I don't know!!!! God, why is this is so hard? Who's bright idea was it to give kids to parents with no manual. I have no idea what I am doing. My gut tells me to take them out of school and quit my job...but this is today's gut. And we can't afford for me to quit work. Plus, ask me when everyone is healthy and happy (and chasing our dogs around incessantly) and I will say that I think school is best. Do I not think school is not best today because there is a threat of illness? Or is my intuition telling me something important and I'm ignoring it? There are times as a mom where I just can't tell where I end and they begin or where I begin and they end. There are times when I feel like I am leading my lambs to slaughter and I'm a vegetarian. It just doesn't make any sense.

When does it end? Or Begin?

Been M.I.A for a while now. Lots of stuff going on in my life and have been trying to keep my head above water. The kids were sick as hell for 15 days straight. Croup that gripped their little lungs and tried it's best to suffocate them. I always freak out when the kids get sick. Like really flip my lid...I'm talking straight jacket material! I can't sleep, I shake non stop, I can't eat or can't stop eating depending on the illness Du jour, I can't focus, I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't bare leave their sides. This particular episode of Croup left them both exhausted, fevery, and on steroids. I have been trying hard to work through my fear of illness for a while now. I really don't know how people deal with REALLY sick kids. My heart just breaks for them. Why doesn't anybody ever tell you this stuff before you get pregnant?? Is this just one of the many parenting dirty little secrets? I originally started this blog to work though my career issues. I thought I would be able to write about a new career idea everyday since my interests are so vast and maybe eventually land my dream job. I've been a recruiter for 11 years with the same company and have worked from home since my oldest was 12 weeks. But this early September illness has scared me into complacency. How could I possible search for a new and exciting life when my kids have already started getting sick...and it's still summer?!! At 3 years and 23 months, maybe they just need their mommy to be happy with what's she's got. I mean I know others would die to work from home,...I make ok money, I don't have to stress about taking days off to be with them...I've got it made right? I guess I wouldn't be so sad all the time if I had someone that supported me through these fears. My husband tries, but he gets frustrated quickly. My mother in law also tries but gives me half shoulder hugs and laughs everything off. My mother just tells me to ship them to her and she'll make it all better. My therapist wants me to explain my irrational fear back to her... and the handful of friends I have either live too far away, or just don't get it..."kids get sick" they say. It's such a double edged sword. On one hand, I have these delusions being able to bounce all of this crap off some like minded co-workers. To have somewhere to go, away from all the sickness. But on the other hand, I feel so lucky to be the one here to wipe away their tears and snot, monitor their fevers with Florance Nightingale style vigor, and administer endless amounts of the pink goop. Why is sacrifice attached to everything in parenting? Something always has the give and there is always something to feel guilty about. I swear, I had no idea..I'm not saying I would have chosen not to have kids...because that wouldn't be true, I've always wanted kids...but maybe I could have beefed up on the serotonin levels or prepared myself somehow for the pain that accompanies the joy. There are times when I just don't feel like I matter any more. I feel totally lost and gone in Mommy land. Does it ever get better? Do you ever get used to the barking coughs, the hot little limbs, the all nighters in a rocking chair? I could just cry thinking about it now...and both kids are blissfully napping without a sniffle in sight. What am I going to do to get through this winter alive..let alone find myself again and have a career that inspires me. Right now I am living for everyone else...will it be my turn again or is that what my 20's were for?

Chipping Away

An absolutely amazing transformation has happened in my life. I am happy. I am truly at peace with everything in my immediate world. Sure, the cancer is still looming over my father in law...the stroke still paralyzing a good friend, my mom is still lost and sad...but I am happy. You won't even believe what the tipping point was for me...I traded in my minivan for a new sleek Jeep Commander V-8 Hemi engine fully loaded gas guzzling TRUCK. I've got my groove back! I did something for myself...I got ready of that sticky, soul selling, label producing, trash collecting house on wheels and in return have a little bit of the old Stef has resurfaced. I've been keeping my new truck pristine clean and it feels really good. Actually it felt so good that I went out and got a smashing new Posh Spice inspired do and have been wearing makeup on a regular basis. Now I am not insinuating that the car I drive is really what propelled me into happiness land. I think that I, for the first time since my children were born, I did something I that I really wanted to do instead of what i thought I was supposed to do. I'm taking care of what's mine materialistically and physically. I've got some pride back and am appreciating the blessings I have more and more each day. I'd even venture to say that I am...gasp...optimistic? I'm amazed at the fact that just small tweaks in life can free you of a burden you didn't realize you were carrying.

This series of events has caused me to look at other areas as well and I feel like I am finally making some mental strides.

This authentic life movement is fabulous. Or is this a quarter life crisis? I'm not totally sure...but I don't really care...I feel good.