Failure to communicate

The great blogging critic has struck again. He just can't seem to get his arms around the fact that I am so miserable in my work that it's spilling over into every other aspect in my life. My latest post really throwing him for a loop! So I feel the need to clarify...

When I write of fear, failure, tears, anxiety...I'm writing about WORK. Work is important to me and brings value to my psyche. It's what gets me going in the morning and gives me rest at night. My current position at my current company just doesn't do it for me anymore and I am pissed that I just can't seem to get my fog to clear. It's become almost an obsessive past time...I think about a business to start about every 3.5 seconds.

I don't mean to saturate the universe with woes is me's...I just want to break free of these recruiter shackles. I've been able to conquer so much in my 34 years...why not this? Yes it's true that i have been able to work from home for the past 4 years, nurse my children for a year + each, keep my house in order, have a hot meal on the table each night, take care of the mundane tasks that life throws at me without taking vacation time etc etc. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love the gifts that have been bestowed to me thus far...trust me, my cup is half full....but I'm ready for the whole freaking drink. I mean, even this post is boring me to death. Wouldn't it be more fun reading of my adventures of starting an organic baby store, or helping kids with autism ride a horse, or designing some fabulous feng shui space for someone who needed it?

It's time to move on...that's all I'm sayin'.

Totally Distracted

I am back from a wonderful (and illness free-yeah!) vacation. It's been a rough transition back. I had the kids all to myself the week before vacation (to insure my sick free stay) and then the whole week on vacation. I have a sort of kid hangover I suppose. It doesn't help that I am met with "the whole school has been sick" the first day back and that the client I support got bought out....but even still I am having a hard time getting all the synapses to fire. I wish there was a job out there that paid me to decorate, be with the kids, cook for my family and read blogs all day. I really need to try to refocus on the good old career search but my energy has been sucked into the cold and flu anxiety ridden season vortex instead. Ugg, I frustrate myself with this obsessive compulsive thinking. Why can't I obsess over watching reruns of Melrose Place or running or something as equally arbitrary as sickness. I would love to explore all of this in a past life hypnoses...I bet ya something horrific happened to me as a kid...or maybe it's the fact that I have yet to deal with my current life's tragedies. I've looked at six ways to Sunday and just can't seem to figure out why I get so tripped up. Is it the IUD? Is it the shift in hormones after back to back pregnancy and breastfeeding both for well over a year? I could go on for years...

Well anyway, I just started reading Eat, Pray, Love and I'm finding all sorts of passages to highlight. My favorite right now is " I will not harbour negative thoughts" ...that's it! I just came up with my new full time job, "I will not harbour negative thoughts." I wonder how much I'll earn? Seriously though, here is a list of the things I would like to do next-keep in mind that I am an IT recruiter with an English degree and need to pull my weight financially in our family, it's no wonder I am in a conundrum:)

1. Work on a horse farm
2. Be a postpartum Douala
3. Yoga instructor for kids
4. Writer
5. Decorator
6. Own my own errand running business
7. Live music coffee house owner
8. Wine and Cheese shop owner
9. Nursery designer
10. Photographer

Anyone else out there make a huge leap of faith? If so, would love to hear from you! My synapse's need a jump start!

The Trickle Effect

This Tuesday I have a second interview at my dream "company." It's small, close to home, eclectic, private, part time and most important an Art School! While maybe not necessarily my dream position, it is one step closer towards the arts and it leverages my prior experience. The job entails working as a coordinator in the admissions group. I've always thought I would make a great admissions councilor. I have my own important memory of being admitted to Western Maryland College and will never forget my counselor, Lisa. I had a 1.8 graduating from high school, never did much outside of cheer leading and flag twirling, was hung up in the wrong crowd with a very wrong boy, and smoked my SAT's with a whopping 880...let's just say there were no ivy league-rs stepping up with scholarship money! My destiny would be determined from one essay and one interview. The essay theme was, "Tell us about a person who inspires you." I talked about my brother and how he had taken a very different road in life. How he'd met an older woman at 18, adopted her child, went into the military, had two more back to back children and barely had enough cash for spaghettio's. He never listened to my parents and insisted on learning everything the hard way. I told Lisa that watching him struggle made it clear to me that I needed to turn my life around. I needed to catch a break, get into college and I would show them that I could be a great student. Somehow my plan worked and I was accepted. It was the happiest day in my life and one of those life defining moments I think we all have. I knew I had been given my second chance and it was up to me to make the most it. It was the first time in my life that I believed in myself despite what numbers on tests proved otherwise. I went on to study deaf education which eventually turned into being an English major, Communications minor. I even made Dean's List-highest honors one semester. I was active the community, was in a great sorority, and truly appreciated every minute of every day in college.

OK, so now that I've given you some background, I can get to my point. To quote Shakespeare...Ay there's the rub....there always has to be one..otherwise this blog would suck.

To accept a part time position, even if I love the people, the school, and the dream could manifest...the position pays a measly $15/hour. 22 hours a week... do the math, it's not a lot of money. I currently make 3 times that and then some.

So, let the trickling begin. If offered the job, do I take it at the risk of financially crippling my family? Take the kids out of school-will they have speech delays and social problems? Will they get sicker in kindergarten because they won't be exposed to all the immune building bugs they tell me are so beneficial now? Will I drive an unsafe car because we can't afford one that is safe? Will we be able to move or will my lack of income kill our borrowing power? Will I hate being with the kids full days a few days a week and become the yelling screaming mom I see on TV? Will my husband resent me for following a dream and placing an enormous burden on him? Or...will my trickle flow upwards...will I enjoy being out of the house a few days a week and maybe make a friend or 12, I might learn a new business and get exposure to a non-profit, higher education and art school all at once. Instead of being stressed 24x7, I'll have a clear path to work, not have the distractions of being at home like I do now, have a job that I won't necessarily have to bring home with me and think about at 3am. No late night interview preps, no tracking down clients for offers, no quarterly reports, no what's your GP and what's your plan, no going into Boston or out to Marlborough. I'll have dedicated days off just for me and the kids....with NO stress of being caught. We'll beach it, park it, library it, go to farmers markets and maybe start and finish craft projects. We'll be able to work our creative minds and the burden of Internet shopping at Hanna Andersson will be alleviated...no keeping up with the Jones' while at home! No germs to obsess about, no meetings/school to rush to and from, no pealing away crying, snotting babies from my chest each morning. No more praying that today someone will make them wash their hands and they won't get the --------- for the 6th time (insert stomach flu, pink eye, strep throat, cold, bronchitis, hand/foot mouth, 5th's etc),No more lying to them saying, you'll have fun today and it will be ok. All of that can wait right? What's another couple of years? And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the chance to make an impact in someones life...hopefully with my own kids and the kids at the school. Is this another 2nd chance?

What would you do?