The other day, completely fed up with the fact that we don't own a single full length mirror that doesn't require jumping up and down to see one's whole self...I asked J to take pictures of me in my new Tankini so that I could see what everyone else sees. I've obviously had my suspicions that it wasn't pretty...you know, I'm not stupid, I don't cut the size tag out of my clothes for nothing. I am familiar with the bulging back fat, the rolling hills of lard, the muffin top that I create everytime I get dressed.
But this self potrait of mine...Oh holy hell, who the F--- is this??? I look like a giant black ant.
J spits out water laughing and I know I've hit my mark. Tiny little head, big black thorax, bulging love handles and belly, thicker arm and thigh tops that whittle down to skinny little appendages. Is that really me?
So I did what any normal human would do...I printed the pictures on big 7 x 11.5 paper and hung them all around the kitchen and office. Oh yeah, I'm not afraid of the big black ant. I stare at myself as I reach for food, talk on the phone, or sit at my computer. I not only analyze the bulbousness of my body but also get the bonus material seeing the black circles under my eyes, the crazy rooster looking hair do, stretched out tattoo, deflated boobs, the lop-sideness of my bum.....I had no idea I had such a pancake ass! I truly look like those bad "before" pictures you see in commercials. Who the hell do I think I am eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser?
OK, so I need to tweak this journey of mine and focus on weight loss. Ant-Lady...put down the ice cream, pick up the leash and walk. Must morph back into human shape...fast. It's almost picnic season!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
What happens in the Running Club, stays in the Running Club
So, I joined a Running Club. I choose to use caps when describing the Running Club because to me, it's very important...and the fact that I actually joined and participated, is monumentus.
The first night, the gang of running girls...all from different backgrounds and walks of life...decided on a "quick" run because they were eager to drink beer afterwards. I'm thinking...oh yeah...I've found my niche, my buds, my soul mates in friendship. Little did I know, that "quick" meant Jackie fucking Joyner Kersey sprinting of exactly 3.8 miles! I almost quit right then and there, but they started off and I felt compelled to follow. Plus, one of them had a huge dog with them, I thought, how bad can it be?
From the starting point on all I could see was in shape booties and pony tails flapping in the wind. I claimed I liked taking up the back, just in case, you know, maybe someone tried to grab one of them, would be good to have a witness. Also, I didn't want to show them up...first day of RC and all. Plus, I've been on a major grapenut diet, would not make a favorable impression on my new friends to give them a fart filled tailwind. They were so sweet though...during the run they would turn around and run backwards to make sure I hadn't died...circle blocks once or twice waiting for my fat ass to catch up, etc. One even claimed she didn't want to sprint, ah hem, run that night so she would walk along side me while I ran. I must act delusional while running too... at one point I was so twisted around from running different streets I breathlessly yelled ahead and asked where we were...they answered, Beverly. No freaking duh, Beverly...I know what town I live in for crying out loud! Do I look like I no longer recognize where I am from?
By the end of those 3.8 tortuous miles I felt like my legs were filled with lead, my feet made of cinder blocks and thought I just may cross the finish line with poop running down my leg...just like you see at the marathons! I tasted blood in my mouth and had to walk the last couple of blocks.
Still I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment for those few measly miles. Not bad for an old goat who's 50 lbs over weight and hasn't worked out for over 4 years.
So if you see pack of skinny chicks running on a Wednesday night, pull over, wait 5 minutes and honk to the one that looks like she's trying REALLY hard. It just may be the newest member of the Running Club.
The first night, the gang of running girls...all from different backgrounds and walks of life...decided on a "quick" run because they were eager to drink beer afterwards. I'm thinking...oh yeah...I've found my niche, my buds, my soul mates in friendship. Little did I know, that "quick" meant Jackie fucking Joyner Kersey sprinting of exactly 3.8 miles! I almost quit right then and there, but they started off and I felt compelled to follow. Plus, one of them had a huge dog with them, I thought, how bad can it be?
From the starting point on all I could see was in shape booties and pony tails flapping in the wind. I claimed I liked taking up the back, just in case, you know, maybe someone tried to grab one of them, would be good to have a witness. Also, I didn't want to show them up...first day of RC and all. Plus, I've been on a major grapenut diet, would not make a favorable impression on my new friends to give them a fart filled tailwind. They were so sweet though...during the run they would turn around and run backwards to make sure I hadn't died...circle blocks once or twice waiting for my fat ass to catch up, etc. One even claimed she didn't want to sprint, ah hem, run that night so she would walk along side me while I ran. I must act delusional while running too... at one point I was so twisted around from running different streets I breathlessly yelled ahead and asked where we were...they answered, Beverly. No freaking duh, Beverly...I know what town I live in for crying out loud! Do I look like I no longer recognize where I am from?
By the end of those 3.8 tortuous miles I felt like my legs were filled with lead, my feet made of cinder blocks and thought I just may cross the finish line with poop running down my leg...just like you see at the marathons! I tasted blood in my mouth and had to walk the last couple of blocks.
Still I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment for those few measly miles. Not bad for an old goat who's 50 lbs over weight and hasn't worked out for over 4 years.
So if you see pack of skinny chicks running on a Wednesday night, pull over, wait 5 minutes and honk to the one that looks like she's trying REALLY hard. It just may be the newest member of the Running Club.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Real Journey Begins
I HATE IT HERE he screamed this morning. Crash went the dishes in the dishwasher, babies crying, babies coughing, momma crying and tired. Spankings and twisted necks, frustrations boiling over. Sopping soaking mess outside, snow, rain...raw, just raw everywhere. Trying desperately to blink away the tears... I think gather yourself girl....you are out numbered right now. Gather yourself...crying will not help. Save yourself and listen to what's around you....I stop...I listened and this is what I heard.
You (meaning me) are disconnected and enamored with yourself. It's all about you and what others do to you but are you willing to look at what you do to others? Perfect, I think not. Patient, no not that either. Engaging, nope keep looking. Selfless...um, negative. Miserable, yup..check that box. And for what? Because I hate my job? PA LEEZE. ok, so I hate my job...did it ever occur to me to look at the other pieces of the pie that I have? Nope, because I blamed them for not having the job that I want. I end up pushing them away because I don't have the job that I want...but then I stay in this job that I hate... because of them. Interesting. Not very bright. Yes, I've been seeking and searching, learning and connecting, posting and prodding and nothing has moved for me. It finally made sense to me after this morning's debacle. So thank you, my dear husband....probably the one I've neglected the most. He opened my eyes to this game I've been playing and made me realize that I need to refocus. My life is not about my career...it's about what really makes me whole. All I've wanted my entire life is a happy marriage, healthy kids, a house on the water and a cool dog. I have all of that and more...so without judgment and intention I reframe, I refocus, I reenergize, I let go, I apologize...
To my soul mate, I am sorry I've been disconnected. I thought I was hiding my anger and shame so well. I thought that you would make it all better for me and as long as I was bringing in a paycheck and here for our kids...that it would be enough. I thought a clean house and full belly was worth more than a big hug and a smile on my face. Instead I greeted you each night with anger, exhaustion, contempt, worry, and resentment. You never asked for this, you never wanted this, yet somehow I turned you into this. What I saw this morning was the monster I created, I saw myself. I only hope it's not too late...I know you'll forgive me but will you forget?
To my kids, you bring me to my knees with love. My head pounds each day because I cannot find the strength to leave you at night. I think I still sleep with you because it's the only time I can really handle. It's peaceful and cuddly and I know I can keep you safe when you are so still and near. I'm sorry I have been unavailable to you during the day because of work. I know you still love me and think I am a good mommy but I promise it will be better. I know you don't need me at home anymore and I am glad you like spending so much time with Grandma. You are the 2 funniest, kindest, smartest kids I know and I love you more and more each day.
To my mom, I am sorry I've been impatient and judgmental towards you. I've been either your mom or your bratty 3 year old little girl. I'm going to try to be a better daughter and friend. You deserve some happiness and sunshine in your life. I'm looking forward to your arrival!
To my poppy, I am sorry I didn't come to your funeral because I was afraid to fly, breastfeed in public and take time off of work. I am sorry I didn't get to say good bye and tell you how much you meant to me. I look at our picture together everyday and I think about how proud you would be of me and the kids. I know I was the apple of your eye and I just wish I had matured more before you left me. I want you to know that I call Ev "bugs" and tell Sky that "she's my girl" I smile knowing you are in my heart always.
To my mother in law, I am sorry I've been such a jerk to you. I am not sure what my major malfunction is when it comes to you. I guess I am mostly jealous, you get to spend the uninterrupted time I wish I could with my kids, you get to play and laugh and read books with them while I am listening to you from my office. You get to feed them cookies, and cakes, and gummy worms and lay down with them at nap time, and praise them for being so smart, and then you get to leave and not deal with the repercussions of all of that indulgence. You are the hero because they don't know any better. Not that you aren't great, because you are. But they don't know the sacrifices J and I make to provide for them, they don't understand why I have rules and you don't. They just think I am one big no-sugar giving meany. Then you get to burst your chest with pride and tell everyone the things they do before I do...on top of that, you only talk as if daddy is the only one who has anything to do with their brilliance and only instruct them to show daddy their new tricks. I don't like the dog and pony show but I suppose I apologize for being so immature about it. I'll have to address this one in person to truly feel resolved but for now I am sorry. I know you do it out of love for them and not hate of me. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.
My writing time is over. Ev just woke from his nap and I am going to go to spend some time with him. So long for now...I'll write again when I can.
You (meaning me) are disconnected and enamored with yourself. It's all about you and what others do to you but are you willing to look at what you do to others? Perfect, I think not. Patient, no not that either. Engaging, nope keep looking. Selfless...um, negative. Miserable, yup..check that box. And for what? Because I hate my job? PA LEEZE. ok, so I hate my job...did it ever occur to me to look at the other pieces of the pie that I have? Nope, because I blamed them for not having the job that I want. I end up pushing them away because I don't have the job that I want...but then I stay in this job that I hate... because of them. Interesting. Not very bright. Yes, I've been seeking and searching, learning and connecting, posting and prodding and nothing has moved for me. It finally made sense to me after this morning's debacle. So thank you, my dear husband....probably the one I've neglected the most. He opened my eyes to this game I've been playing and made me realize that I need to refocus. My life is not about my career...it's about what really makes me whole. All I've wanted my entire life is a happy marriage, healthy kids, a house on the water and a cool dog. I have all of that and more...so without judgment and intention I reframe, I refocus, I reenergize, I let go, I apologize...
To my soul mate, I am sorry I've been disconnected. I thought I was hiding my anger and shame so well. I thought that you would make it all better for me and as long as I was bringing in a paycheck and here for our kids...that it would be enough. I thought a clean house and full belly was worth more than a big hug and a smile on my face. Instead I greeted you each night with anger, exhaustion, contempt, worry, and resentment. You never asked for this, you never wanted this, yet somehow I turned you into this. What I saw this morning was the monster I created, I saw myself. I only hope it's not too late...I know you'll forgive me but will you forget?
To my kids, you bring me to my knees with love. My head pounds each day because I cannot find the strength to leave you at night. I think I still sleep with you because it's the only time I can really handle. It's peaceful and cuddly and I know I can keep you safe when you are so still and near. I'm sorry I have been unavailable to you during the day because of work. I know you still love me and think I am a good mommy but I promise it will be better. I know you don't need me at home anymore and I am glad you like spending so much time with Grandma. You are the 2 funniest, kindest, smartest kids I know and I love you more and more each day.
To my mom, I am sorry I've been impatient and judgmental towards you. I've been either your mom or your bratty 3 year old little girl. I'm going to try to be a better daughter and friend. You deserve some happiness and sunshine in your life. I'm looking forward to your arrival!
To my poppy, I am sorry I didn't come to your funeral because I was afraid to fly, breastfeed in public and take time off of work. I am sorry I didn't get to say good bye and tell you how much you meant to me. I look at our picture together everyday and I think about how proud you would be of me and the kids. I know I was the apple of your eye and I just wish I had matured more before you left me. I want you to know that I call Ev "bugs" and tell Sky that "she's my girl" I smile knowing you are in my heart always.
To my mother in law, I am sorry I've been such a jerk to you. I am not sure what my major malfunction is when it comes to you. I guess I am mostly jealous, you get to spend the uninterrupted time I wish I could with my kids, you get to play and laugh and read books with them while I am listening to you from my office. You get to feed them cookies, and cakes, and gummy worms and lay down with them at nap time, and praise them for being so smart, and then you get to leave and not deal with the repercussions of all of that indulgence. You are the hero because they don't know any better. Not that you aren't great, because you are. But they don't know the sacrifices J and I make to provide for them, they don't understand why I have rules and you don't. They just think I am one big no-sugar giving meany. Then you get to burst your chest with pride and tell everyone the things they do before I do...on top of that, you only talk as if daddy is the only one who has anything to do with their brilliance and only instruct them to show daddy their new tricks. I don't like the dog and pony show but I suppose I apologize for being so immature about it. I'll have to address this one in person to truly feel resolved but for now I am sorry. I know you do it out of love for them and not hate of me. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.
My writing time is over. Ev just woke from his nap and I am going to go to spend some time with him. So long for now...I'll write again when I can.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Role call...Stefanie? Present!
Have you ever driven somewhere and after a while looked up and thought, "how did I get here, I don't remember driving all this way...I haven't been paying any attention!" This is probably the closest analogy I can think of for my life right now. I've been so busy with the past... how can I heal that old wound, what did I learn from that experience, how can I change it, how can I forget it, how can I forgive it? As well as the future...what will I become, what shape will I be in, how will I make an impact, what business will I start, how much money will I make, and so on . So busy in fact that I've become a bumbling lost soul with no present day identity.
This really resonated with me when I read Bella's post on cleaning out her closet. http://beyondthemap.blogspot.com/ I had a similar experience this weekend. I was trying to find an outfit for lunch with a friend that I hadn't seen in 15 years. I bounced to my closet after showering eager to find something super cute and flattering, that made me feel great. I was met by old maternity clothes, out of season tops that pull and gape open from my still unfit body, and mom-ified funky, foogied, ripped, cheap target crap. Why am I constantly surprised by my findings? These clothes no longer fit me...personality or body.
It's no wonder, one foot always in the past, one foot always in the future..I've made no effort for today. Breathe in the present, breathe out the past and the future my yogi reminds me. I think I'll break out my yoga mat right now and think about that.
This really resonated with me when I read Bella's post on cleaning out her closet. http://beyondthemap.blogspot.com/ I had a similar experience this weekend. I was trying to find an outfit for lunch with a friend that I hadn't seen in 15 years. I bounced to my closet after showering eager to find something super cute and flattering, that made me feel great. I was met by old maternity clothes, out of season tops that pull and gape open from my still unfit body, and mom-ified funky, foogied, ripped, cheap target crap. Why am I constantly surprised by my findings? These clothes no longer fit me...personality or body.
It's no wonder, one foot always in the past, one foot always in the future..I've made no effort for today. Breathe in the present, breathe out the past and the future my yogi reminds me. I think I'll break out my yoga mat right now and think about that.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Failure to communicate
The great blogging critic has struck again. He just can't seem to get his arms around the fact that I am so miserable in my work that it's spilling over into every other aspect in my life. My latest post really throwing him for a loop! So I feel the need to clarify...
When I write of fear, failure, tears, anxiety...I'm writing about WORK. Work is important to me and brings value to my psyche. It's what gets me going in the morning and gives me rest at night. My current position at my current company just doesn't do it for me anymore and I am pissed that I just can't seem to get my fog to clear. It's become almost an obsessive past time...I think about a business to start about every 3.5 seconds.
I don't mean to saturate the universe with woes is me's...I just want to break free of these recruiter shackles. I've been able to conquer so much in my 34 years...why not this? Yes it's true that i have been able to work from home for the past 4 years, nurse my children for a year + each, keep my house in order, have a hot meal on the table each night, take care of the mundane tasks that life throws at me without taking vacation time etc etc. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love the gifts that have been bestowed to me thus far...trust me, my cup is half full....but I'm ready for the whole freaking drink. I mean, even this post is boring me to death. Wouldn't it be more fun reading of my adventures of starting an organic baby store, or helping kids with autism ride a horse, or designing some fabulous feng shui space for someone who needed it?
It's time to move on...that's all I'm sayin'.
When I write of fear, failure, tears, anxiety...I'm writing about WORK. Work is important to me and brings value to my psyche. It's what gets me going in the morning and gives me rest at night. My current position at my current company just doesn't do it for me anymore and I am pissed that I just can't seem to get my fog to clear. It's become almost an obsessive past time...I think about a business to start about every 3.5 seconds.
I don't mean to saturate the universe with woes is me's...I just want to break free of these recruiter shackles. I've been able to conquer so much in my 34 years...why not this? Yes it's true that i have been able to work from home for the past 4 years, nurse my children for a year + each, keep my house in order, have a hot meal on the table each night, take care of the mundane tasks that life throws at me without taking vacation time etc etc. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love the gifts that have been bestowed to me thus far...trust me, my cup is half full....but I'm ready for the whole freaking drink. I mean, even this post is boring me to death. Wouldn't it be more fun reading of my adventures of starting an organic baby store, or helping kids with autism ride a horse, or designing some fabulous feng shui space for someone who needed it?
It's time to move on...that's all I'm sayin'.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Bang Bang BANG
Let me out. Let me out of this routine of fear. Let me out of the boring external shell that binds me. Let me out so that I can do something new. Let me live my life before it's gone...what could I possibly be offering you or anyone else at this point? Hire a robot to do your chores, ask my mom about living with regret, hire another recruiter to get kicked in the teeth every fucking day. You sit here and well up in tears over the state of affairs. You scream at your kids/dogs/husband because you are so fed up. You long for the sunshine that I'll be sitting in. I'm done. My blessings are counted and packed, when do we leave?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Has anyone seen my will?
Apparently something happened after my first child was born. Most people say it's baby, placenta, brain. I think mine went something like baby, placenta, personality.
I went to a concert with my husband Sunday night despite having a raging head cold... John Butler Trio (which I highly recommend if you get the chance) but all I could think about were negative things. Will the kids be ok? Will they eat? Will Sky throw up again? Will grandma brush their teeth? Will they cough up a lung? Will grandma plug in their humidifiers? Did I clean them out or will I fill their rooms with bacteria? Will this balcony fall? Will I cough up a lung? Will I die if this chicken isn't cooked? Will my keys fall out of my pocket while walking through the city? Will I get fired from my job if I call in sick again tomorrow? Will my marriage fail if I beg him to leave early tonight? Will one of the drunk kids at the concert throw up on me? Will my mom finally move to Massachusetts? Will Jeff's dad recover from cancer and chemo? Will the chiropractor be mad if I change my appointment at the last minute? Will I get out of debt? Will I get sicker if my hands dirty and I need to blow my nose? Will my mother in law ever love me? Will I ever make any friends? Will I get to sleep tonight? Will I ever be able to afford another massage/polarity session? Will I ever get back to yoga? Will the kids have a good Christmas? Will I ever lose weight? Will I ever leave my job?
What the hell happened to me? I don't know this person I've become.
Then it occurred to me.... I went for my first ever polarity treatment last week and within seconds she asked me what was wrong as she was hovering over my solar plexus. I said that I wasn't sure but that it has really been hurting me. She said, have you lost your will? And I just laid there, blinking at her? I needed to process her question. I finally came up with an answer for her today. I don't think I've lost my will, I just reallocated it to the craziness that my life has become. So today I begin a journey of another kind...I will find my will and move forward. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll be living a lifetime of regret.
All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic
So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy ' cause
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than
I went to a concert with my husband Sunday night despite having a raging head cold... John Butler Trio (which I highly recommend if you get the chance) but all I could think about were negative things. Will the kids be ok? Will they eat? Will Sky throw up again? Will grandma brush their teeth? Will they cough up a lung? Will grandma plug in their humidifiers? Did I clean them out or will I fill their rooms with bacteria? Will this balcony fall? Will I cough up a lung? Will I die if this chicken isn't cooked? Will my keys fall out of my pocket while walking through the city? Will I get fired from my job if I call in sick again tomorrow? Will my marriage fail if I beg him to leave early tonight? Will one of the drunk kids at the concert throw up on me? Will my mom finally move to Massachusetts? Will Jeff's dad recover from cancer and chemo? Will the chiropractor be mad if I change my appointment at the last minute? Will I get out of debt? Will I get sicker if my hands dirty and I need to blow my nose? Will my mother in law ever love me? Will I ever make any friends? Will I get to sleep tonight? Will I ever be able to afford another massage/polarity session? Will I ever get back to yoga? Will the kids have a good Christmas? Will I ever lose weight? Will I ever leave my job?
What the hell happened to me? I don't know this person I've become.
Then it occurred to me.... I went for my first ever polarity treatment last week and within seconds she asked me what was wrong as she was hovering over my solar plexus. I said that I wasn't sure but that it has really been hurting me. She said, have you lost your will? And I just laid there, blinking at her? I needed to process her question. I finally came up with an answer for her today. I don't think I've lost my will, I just reallocated it to the craziness that my life has become. So today I begin a journey of another kind...I will find my will and move forward. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll be living a lifetime of regret.
All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic
So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy ' cause
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than
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