Leading lambs to slaughter

I dropped my little ones off at school this morning only to be met in the class room by another mom holding one child with green thick boogers across her face and another limp in her lap who she mentions has been throwing up all night. I ripped my screaming, crying baby girl from my shirt, kissed her, handed her over promptly to the teacher and walked right out of the room. I took my 3 year old by the hand, led him into his classroom across the street and overheard a conversation his teacher was having with a mom about her kids not coming to school today because of the stomach flu. I kissed him, waved goodbye and walked right out the classroom. I spent the next 3 hours chewing the side of my mouth to grand canyon sized hole proportions, cleaned my house with Lysol from top to bottom, and broke down crying begging God for help. Does this sound like fun to you? What the bleep is wrong with me? Why do I just hear about illness and automatically swing into flight or fight mode? We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday for a week at the beach...I was so excited and eager to leave but now I am struggling to finish a thought. What happened to the strong willed, type A, bull in a china closet that I used to be? Was it baby, placenta, personality during their birth? Why why why? The mind chatter is unnerving and I just wish I could figure it all out. I don't want to be this weeping fool anymore but I can't seem to come up with anything to change it. In an attempt to control what little I can in this situation, I stopped at the natural health store to stock up on probiotics, vitamins and Echnichea. As I pulled into a parking spot, Peter Gabriel's, "Don't Give Up" played on the radio. I absolutely love that song. The words seemed to be speaking directly to me today...I welled up with tears and turned the ignition off despite being only halfway through the song. Plus, who wants to cry in public? I gathered myself and walked into the store only to hear that same freaking song being played! Maybe it's a sign I thought, maybe I do worry too much, maybe everything is going to be alright. But boy, sometimes I feel just like a weeping willow. Like it's all my fault my little babes are exposed to the cesspool of germs before their time. I never went to preschool, how much of an advantage can you gain at 2 and 3 years of age? I am toying with taking them out of school...just using my mother in law and the nanny part time until they go to kindergarten. But then I worry that this is my own craziness talking and not what's right for the kids. I don't know!!!! God, why is this is so hard? Who's bright idea was it to give kids to parents with no manual. I have no idea what I am doing. My gut tells me to take them out of school and quit my job...but this is today's gut. And we can't afford for me to quit work. Plus, ask me when everyone is healthy and happy (and chasing our dogs around incessantly) and I will say that I think school is best. Do I not think school is not best today because there is a threat of illness? Or is my intuition telling me something important and I'm ignoring it? There are times as a mom where I just can't tell where I end and they begin or where I begin and they end. There are times when I feel like I am leading my lambs to slaughter and I'm a vegetarian. It just doesn't make any sense.

When does it end? Or Begin?

Been M.I.A for a while now. Lots of stuff going on in my life and have been trying to keep my head above water. The kids were sick as hell for 15 days straight. Croup that gripped their little lungs and tried it's best to suffocate them. I always freak out when the kids get sick. Like really flip my lid...I'm talking straight jacket material! I can't sleep, I shake non stop, I can't eat or can't stop eating depending on the illness Du jour, I can't focus, I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't bare leave their sides. This particular episode of Croup left them both exhausted, fevery, and on steroids. I have been trying hard to work through my fear of illness for a while now. I really don't know how people deal with REALLY sick kids. My heart just breaks for them. Why doesn't anybody ever tell you this stuff before you get pregnant?? Is this just one of the many parenting dirty little secrets? I originally started this blog to work though my career issues. I thought I would be able to write about a new career idea everyday since my interests are so vast and maybe eventually land my dream job. I've been a recruiter for 11 years with the same company and have worked from home since my oldest was 12 weeks. But this early September illness has scared me into complacency. How could I possible search for a new and exciting life when my kids have already started getting sick...and it's still summer?!! At 3 years and 23 months, maybe they just need their mommy to be happy with what's she's got. I mean I know others would die to work from home,...I make ok money, I don't have to stress about taking days off to be with them...I've got it made right? I guess I wouldn't be so sad all the time if I had someone that supported me through these fears. My husband tries, but he gets frustrated quickly. My mother in law also tries but gives me half shoulder hugs and laughs everything off. My mother just tells me to ship them to her and she'll make it all better. My therapist wants me to explain my irrational fear back to her... and the handful of friends I have either live too far away, or just don't get it..."kids get sick" they say. It's such a double edged sword. On one hand, I have these delusions being able to bounce all of this crap off some like minded co-workers. To have somewhere to go, away from all the sickness. But on the other hand, I feel so lucky to be the one here to wipe away their tears and snot, monitor their fevers with Florance Nightingale style vigor, and administer endless amounts of the pink goop. Why is sacrifice attached to everything in parenting? Something always has the give and there is always something to feel guilty about. I swear, I had no idea..I'm not saying I would have chosen not to have kids...because that wouldn't be true, I've always wanted kids...but maybe I could have beefed up on the serotonin levels or prepared myself somehow for the pain that accompanies the joy. There are times when I just don't feel like I matter any more. I feel totally lost and gone in Mommy land. Does it ever get better? Do you ever get used to the barking coughs, the hot little limbs, the all nighters in a rocking chair? I could just cry thinking about it now...and both kids are blissfully napping without a sniffle in sight. What am I going to do to get through this winter alive..let alone find myself again and have a career that inspires me. Right now I am living for everyone else...will it be my turn again or is that what my 20's were for?

Chipping Away

An absolutely amazing transformation has happened in my life. I am happy. I am truly at peace with everything in my immediate world. Sure, the cancer is still looming over my father in law...the stroke still paralyzing a good friend, my mom is still lost and sad...but I am happy. You won't even believe what the tipping point was for me...I traded in my minivan for a new sleek Jeep Commander V-8 Hemi engine fully loaded gas guzzling TRUCK. I've got my groove back! I did something for myself...I got ready of that sticky, soul selling, label producing, trash collecting house on wheels and in return have a little bit of the old Stef has resurfaced. I've been keeping my new truck pristine clean and it feels really good. Actually it felt so good that I went out and got a smashing new Posh Spice inspired do and have been wearing makeup on a regular basis. Now I am not insinuating that the car I drive is really what propelled me into happiness land. I think that I, for the first time since my children were born, I did something I that I really wanted to do instead of what i thought I was supposed to do. I'm taking care of what's mine materialistically and physically. I've got some pride back and am appreciating the blessings I have more and more each day. I'd even venture to say that I am...gasp...optimistic? I'm amazed at the fact that just small tweaks in life can free you of a burden you didn't realize you were carrying.

This series of events has caused me to look at other areas as well and I feel like I am finally making some mental strides.

This authentic life movement is fabulous. Or is this a quarter life crisis? I'm not totally sure...but I don't really care...I feel good.

Tagged, I'm it!

Tagged by my new buddy Mindy @ The Wish Studio (http://www.thewishstudio.blogspot.com/)

*We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
*Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.*
*People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
*At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1. I am an Amoeba. I see my life as ever changing and I am only comfortable in chaos. I have a hard time just "being" and create my own issues to work out because I am so lost with what I really need to address.
2. I love to be crafty but I'm not very good at one particular thing. I can knit, a little. Crochet, a little. Paint, a little. Bead, a little...etc.
3. Horses make me the happiest person in the world. I would love to be able to make time to ride and wish I could find someone who needed their horse exercised for free.
4. I've had a hard time making friends in Massachusetts. I moved here a few years ago and have made only a few connections. I left Maryland as a super connected, booked solid, socialite of sorts and my self esteem has taken a beating because of it. I am still mourning the loss of Angela who was my BFF here. She moved to Atlanta last month to be closer to her own family and I miss her desperately. In fact, I am not even sure how I will pass this on to 8 people. I only know 4 bloggers.
5. I love teen movies and romantic comedies. Varsity Blues, Corina Corina, Two Weeks Notice, Bring It On, 13 Going on 30 and Freaky Friday just to name a few. (no wonder i have no friends)
6. I know a thing or 2 about music and can do a mean running man. I think I've gained so much weight because I no longer spend my weekends cutting the rug. Oh and maybe the non-stop stress eating but that's for another blog.
7. The only person I can spend non-stop time with is my husband. He might get on my nerves every now and again but I truly can spend every waking moment with him and not get bored. He's hysterical and I thank God that I found the yin to my yang.
8. I have no idea what I want to do with my life professionally and wish someone would just wave a magic wand give me the answer. I'm been searching for a long time now and nothing seems to click and stick. I'm getting tired and discouraged. Surly I am meant to do more than this?

I will tag the incredibly talented Tan!a http://woordnbeeld.blogspot.com/ and my very funny friend PJ
http://brownriggpicturehome.blogspot.com/

The Trickle Effect

This Tuesday I have a second interview at my dream "company." It's small, close to home, eclectic, private, part time and most important an Art School! While maybe not necessarily my dream position, it is one step closer towards the arts and it leverages my prior experience. The job entails working as a coordinator in the admissions group. I've always thought I would make a great admissions councilor. I have my own important memory of being admitted to Western Maryland College and will never forget my counselor, Lisa. I had a 1.8 graduating from high school, never did much outside of cheer leading and flag twirling, was hung up in the wrong crowd with a very wrong boy, and smoked my SAT's with a whopping 880...let's just say there were no ivy league-rs stepping up with scholarship money! My destiny would be determined from one essay and one interview. The essay theme was, "Tell us about a person who inspires you." I talked about my brother and how he had taken a very different road in life. How he'd met an older woman at 18, adopted her child, went into the military, had two more back to back children and barely had enough cash for spaghettio's. He never listened to my parents and insisted on learning everything the hard way. I told Lisa that watching him struggle made it clear to me that I needed to turn my life around. I needed to catch a break, get into college and I would show them that I could be a great student. Somehow my plan worked and I was accepted. It was the happiest day in my life and one of those life defining moments I think we all have. I knew I had been given my second chance and it was up to me to make the most it. It was the first time in my life that I believed in myself despite what numbers on tests proved otherwise. I went on to study deaf education which eventually turned into being an English major, Communications minor. I even made Dean's List-highest honors one semester. I was active the community, was in a great sorority, and truly appreciated every minute of every day in college.

OK, so now that I've given you some background, I can get to my point. To quote Shakespeare...Ay there's the rub....there always has to be one..otherwise this blog would suck.

To accept a part time position, even if I love the people, the school, and the dream could manifest...the position pays a measly $15/hour. 22 hours a week... do the math, it's not a lot of money. I currently make 3 times that and then some.

So, let the trickling begin. If offered the job, do I take it at the risk of financially crippling my family? Take the kids out of school-will they have speech delays and social problems? Will they get sicker in kindergarten because they won't be exposed to all the immune building bugs they tell me are so beneficial now? Will I drive an unsafe car because we can't afford one that is safe? Will we be able to move or will my lack of income kill our borrowing power? Will I hate being with the kids full days a few days a week and become the yelling screaming mom I see on TV? Will my husband resent me for following a dream and placing an enormous burden on him? Or...will my trickle flow upwards...will I enjoy being out of the house a few days a week and maybe make a friend or 12, I might learn a new business and get exposure to a non-profit, higher education and art school all at once. Instead of being stressed 24x7, I'll have a clear path to work, not have the distractions of being at home like I do now, have a job that I won't necessarily have to bring home with me and think about at 3am. No late night interview preps, no tracking down clients for offers, no quarterly reports, no what's your GP and what's your plan, no going into Boston or out to Marlborough. I'll have dedicated days off just for me and the kids....with NO stress of being caught. We'll beach it, park it, library it, go to farmers markets and maybe start and finish craft projects. We'll be able to work our creative minds and the burden of Internet shopping at Hanna Andersson will be alleviated...no keeping up with the Jones' while at home! No germs to obsess about, no meetings/school to rush to and from, no pealing away crying, snotting babies from my chest each morning. No more praying that today someone will make them wash their hands and they won't get the --------- for the 6th time (insert stomach flu, pink eye, strep throat, cold, bronchitis, hand/foot mouth, 5th's etc),No more lying to them saying, you'll have fun today and it will be ok. All of that can wait right? What's another couple of years? And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the chance to make an impact in someones life...hopefully with my own kids and the kids at the school. Is this another 2nd chance?

What would you do?

It's all in how you look at it

Anyone with kids probably watches PBS as much as I do. There is a snippet they play over and over again in between programs that has kids sticking there hands into a big bowl of spaghetti and saying, "I think it's eyeballs." Then the camera flashes to another tot playing "drums" on pots and pans.

Last night I hosted a "failed" art show. Had it not been for 4 of my friends/family that showed up, it would have been a complete bust. However I did learn something and will make these notes to remember.

How not to host an art show 101:

1. Do not try to throw together your art show in a few weeks. It's not enough time, period.
2. Do not market your art show like a yard sale. Goofy neon signs with catchy little sayings is not enough.
3. When you do not receive any RSVP's, do not order food for the people you hope, "surely just forgot to RSVP and will be there in spite of missing said date to RSVP."
4. NEVER use 3M Command stripes to hang your glass framed art in an Africa hot studio-they will fall, they will break.
5. When marketing children's art, don't invite the entire population, they'll just come in, eat your food, complain about your wine choices and leave.
6. When marketing to the correct people, know that choices are good, no inventory is bad.
7. Always have cash available for those who want to pay with it and need change.
8. Bring trash bags.
9. Don't host it on a hot summer night, the week after 7/4 and from 7-9pm. Mom's/dad's with kids are putting kids to bed.
10. Know that buyers who are buying gifts will buy the less expensive art, buyers who are buying for themselves want the expensive stuff.
11. Don't call your mom crying after the show, she'll just worry and you'll break her heart along with yours. It's your mistake to learn from. Don't dump it on her.
12. Do go home and cry to your hubby...especially if he's your best friend too. He'll give you invaluable advice, feed you peach pie, and point out all the things you should keep in perspective...because as he reminded me, it really is "all in how you look at it."

A Life Transitioner

Funny thing happened this weekend while my mom and I were talking. I was telling her that I was thinking about a career as a Life Coach. I have a lot of professional interviewing experience and would love to help people define their career path. In my quest to do something different, I thought this idea du-jour fit nicely.

Some time passed and while driving by the train station, I saw a huge brick warehouse with a for rent sign. It happened to be right next to a halfway house. I pointed the warehouse out to my mom and asked her what she thought I could do with it. She says, "well, if you are a 'Life Transitioner', you would probably do well there." I thought that was pretty funny... she thinks that I belonged in the halfway house because my own life is in such transition. I gave her a pat on the back for a good joke told. No, no, no she says...I meant that you would do well at counseling in that halfway house...you know, as your new job as a "Life Transitioner." Mom, I said, it's a "Life Coach"...and it was funnier when I misunderstood you.